Sweaty English Teachers and Ex-Fedheads: It's Still a Mess

Before I get into this, I'd like to take a moment to be uncharacteristically squishy and send a bit of a shout out.

As a product of public school (in Wisconsin, none the less), I barely made it through, bucking against the system the entire way. In case you don't know (you know, for the Europeans or whatever), there appears to have been a calculated effort over the years to dumb down America. After all, what group is easier to keep in line, geniuses or idiots? Look around for a moment and ask yourself that question, and by all means, do let me know what answer you come up with.

After sailing through my primary school years and even skipping a grade, I was suddenly stalled in middle school. Skeptical CPA, my hero and mentor in his own salty way, will be more than happy to tell you more about this "brain drain" and can testify to the fact that the plan seems to be an absolute success. Yes I once called my generation the dumbest in American history and yes I will continue to do so until they prove otherwise, which doesn't seem likely any time soon. It's a wonder I can even spell "definitely" correctly and manage to understand the difference between "your" and "you're" and it's because of people like him and others who took me under their wing - not my public school education - that I've managed to pull off as much as I have to this point.

One more person who deserves credit is my high school English teacher who slaughtered my papers with red ink and still gave me an A+ on every single one, regardless of how inappropriate any of it was for our school paper. No matter how ridiculous or profane my statements, it was his belief in me that pushed me along every single step of the way. While the rest of my asshat class was writing about football games and prom, I was pouring my heart out in school paper assignments as my biggest cheerleader slashed up my work with red pen in hopes that I'd one day understand the importance of the semicolon. I get it now, though at the time I was too busy chain-smoking behind the gym to care.

I've heard that Mr Backus has since passed away and that's unfortunate. I really wanted to send him a link to Jr Deputy Accountant to show him that I'd made it after all but since I'll never get that chance, I guess it's all I can do to continue on and stay true to the lessons he taught me along the way.

Sorry, Mr Backus, I still swear a lot and still love the run on sentence. I hope you're still proud of me regardless and can picture you with your pit stains smoothing back your sloppy hair with that grin on your face watching me go, go, go with the literary sword in my hand rushing to war for the words. Wherever you are, you should know I appreciate you for that and really hope you can see what I've managed to pull off since.

Anyway. Let's go tear up some Fed shit in his honor, shall we? Mr Backus, this one goes out to you and your sweaty pits, may you rest in peace or at least be watching from wherever you are LOLing your ass off at what your star student has done in the 10 years since she left that place she once called home. And also, if you aren't dead I'm sorry for jumping the gun but frankly I haven't given a rat's ass about that piece of shit place since I left a decade ago.

I digress.

To call Bill Poole any kind of central banker is a disservice to the man's legacy, as most Fedbashers and Fed fans alike worth their salt should already know. But ok, we'll play along.


William Poole was an outspoken central banker when he led the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis (until March 2008). Now, as a senior fellow at the Cato Institute, he’s an outspoken former central banker. Among his targets when he delivered a lecture at the Shadow Open Market Committee’s meeting on Wednesday: the Fed’s planned regulation of banks’ compensation practices.

Poole said the government cannot design compensation practices better than the private sector can. If regulators try to bear down hard on those practices, “companies can evade compensation controls with a wink and nod.” The effect: Managements would just draft more vague policies to provide room to pay what’s necessary to keep the most productive employees, he says. “Banks will not sit back and permit key employees to be bid away by outside offers.”

That was about the government in general. Then he got to the Fed: “The Federal Reserve is deluding itself if it believes it can influence compensation practices over the long run by making compensation policies subject to Fed approval. The formal policies will indeed be written in a fashion that satisfies regulators. To understand implementation of these policies, however, the Fed will have to conduct detailed studies of how actual compensation fits within the policies. The exercise will either descend to detailed regulation of compensation employee by employee or become merely another bureaucratic hurdle banks must jump over.”

If anyone understands the Fed's predicament right now, it is Bill Poole. Now if only those fuckers would clean out their ears and listen.

Bernanke! PAY ATTENTION, DUMBASS! Your own people are trying to tell you what time it is!

I speak central banker, of course, but Poole isn't your average central banker (his current spot at Cato should reflect as much), so let's just say this: it is expected that the Fed would lie to us right now but please dear God don't let them lie to themselves. That is where the true potential for disaster lies.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.