An Open Letter to Santa from Jr Deputy Accountant

Thursday, December 24, 2009 0 Comments


Alright listen, I already know I'm probably on the Naughty List. I haven't counted (fuck math) but I'm pretty sure I've dropped at least 1,978 F-bombs this year (about 150 posts a month times 12 months multiplied by the square root of my filthy mouth and I think we know what that equals) and let's not even get into what I've done on vacation with, uh, well let's not get into that now. Santa saw what I did there and eventually so will the rest of the world. If you're clever, you've already caught on, I shouldn't have to get so graphic about the whole thing. Strap in, it's a fun ride. + twitpics, wtf? (good thing my Grandma doesn't read me *cough*)

But it's Christmas Eve Eve and I might still have time for redemption. Hey, I went to TWO End the Fed rallies this year AND I still have a job, that's got to get me some kind of honorary good girl designation or something? Come on dude, it's rough out there.

So if you're listening, Santa, this is what I want.

1. End the fucking Fed already. Seriously. There was a point when Fedbashing felt like a challenge, when I worried that America was so dead at the wheel that I'd have to keep yelling until my fingers jammed up but I'm pretty sure my mission is a coast at this point. Check it out, Congress is finally trying to reign in the beast they created (misguided as they are) and Bernanke is getting hated on all over the place. He got Time's Man of the Year but so did Hitler (thanks, Krupo, you always know how to make me feel better and I appreciate you for pointing that out) so I'm not too butthurt about that except for the fact that it ruined my birthday vacation. Whatever. No it didn't. Kiss my ass, Zimbabwe Ben, my birthday pwned yours.

2. A PlayStation3. Luckily I have a 6 year old who wants one too and (see above) am still employed so WIN, a lucky little boy is getting a PS3. Dibs on GTA, that's for grown ups. *cough* My boss didn't take TARP money at any point so he can actually pay me what I'm worth for what I've done throughout the year. Suck that, GM.

3. For everyone to STFU about healthcare. I'm done. I never cared. I hardly use mine. For some reason, my 6 year old (who is built like a pitbull - shock) cost more to insure than my drinking, chain-smoking, not-exercising tattooed ass. If that makes sense to you, you must be either a lawyer or an insurance agent. Regardless, I've been fortunate enough to be able to afford that so I could care less, I would mostly just like to stop hearing about it. How will we afford it? has been my biggest question all along and until someone besides Tim Geithner answers that question for me, I will continue to not give a fuck about this issue. We cannot continue to buy our own debt forever and eventually, the money laundering operation runs out.

4. Peace on Earth but not too much. People tend to get complacent when things are good (see: Greenspan's bubble) and that's not productive. We're paying for this and hard. I shouldn't have to illustrate this point in detail (least of all to Santa's ass), all you have to do is flip through 15 minutes of cable TV or YouTube clips to get my point. We have been lost for a long time and that's not going to change because someone lost a $1000 line of credit and a Hummer or two.

5. Advanced JDA world domination in 2010. I'm not going to pretend like I don't enjoy it, that'd be lame. Being up Bernanke's ass is my favorite place to be these days and I'm fairly OK with that. I get to do a lot of amazing shit off hours as a result so it's a reasonable price to pay. I'll also take a sweet MSM gig so I can inject some reality into the fluff if your elves are too busy to hook up 40,000 more inbound links. I know. We're busy at work too. Manufacturing is doing great.

I'll also take some fur-lined hoodies. Whatever, it gets cold in San Francisco all year except maybe 3 days. Plus it's awesome. I was hooked on Greenspan for a minute too, you know. I'm just glad I was 22 instead of 55 like some of you who lost everything in that bullshit.

Sorry. Merry Christmas and all that.

Also, Santa, don't eat my cookies. It is California after all.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.