Dear Ben Bernanke (No I'm Serious)
Seriously, that damn TIE, ugh
Look away, random JDA reader. This is between me and my birthday homie so butt out for a minute.
Did you get my card? Swear I'm playing nice, come on now, just because I have a t-shirt with "END THE FED" on the front and your last name on the back with "00%" as the jersey number doesn't mean I don't have the utmost respect for your ass. So there.
Listen, people are hating on you and bad and I'm probably sure you know why. I'm not the only one, and while that makes my job a whole lot easier, it doesn't really fix the root of the problem which is that you've got your head shoved really far up your ass right now. Sorry that's harsh but I get the feeling you need a little bit of that, I know exactly how you Fed fuckers can get so blind macro from having your ass kissed that you miss the details. Go on, look around you. Your boyhood home foreclosed on. Tattooed assholes like me slipping into "BERNANKE 00%" t-shirts to go protest the Fed. Even my grandma doesn't like you right now and sorry I don't want her eating Alpo for the few remaining years she has left so I'm not digging you too much right now either. We can go over the numerous reasons if you'd like but I don't have time to write them all out, I'm trying to keep my small business alive through this shit that your homie AG created. You didn't know anything about that, though, did you? Sure. I buy that.
Listen, you are one of two things: stupid or a liar. It's time for you to decide which one you want to go down in the books as.
In the stupid scenario, you saw none of this coming. You curled up with a fucking book and hid behind the podium when the shit started to hit the fan. It's ok, Tim Geithner ends up taking all the blame and you keep making fat residuals off of economics textbooks. No one ever really holds any of this against you and your legacy is really nothing more than an excuse, an oh, that poor man for your failed efforts to stave off inflation that inevitably lead the dollar straight into it. Oh but you couldn't help it, you poor, poor man!
In the liar scenario, you actually engineered most of this and feigned blind faith in system to work out its own kinks. You sat there rubbing your grubby paws together as AIG was in its death throes and Tim Geithner serves as bitch to your whims. I kind of get a kick out of the idea myself but my sick fantasies aside, I highly doubt this second one.
I hate to say it. My Fedbashing friends think I'm cuddling up with the enemy to give you so much credit and they're probably right to criticize me. You've shown nothing but blind loyalty to failed models of economics that looked awesome on paper but bombed miserably in practical application so why the hell do I feel so bad for you?
Because everytime I watch you, like I got stuck doing over the weekend as you spoke from Atlanta (you were the news of our first day back after the New Year, you know, you stupid blind bastard), I hear it in your voice. I see it on your face. You hate this shit. You were never cut out for it and never wanted what the hell kind of sick thrill Alan Greenspan got from sitting in that gilded throne of yours at the Board of Governors. I know. I see it.
So this is the point when you sit there and look at where you've found yourself. You have a really shitty job, are constantly taking shit from assholes like me, have to answer to a stupid Congress that doesn't even know what it is you do in the office all day and night and of course have to figure out how to save our entire financial system while Tim Geithner plays Connect 4 with Treasury yields. Got it. It sucks. Figure it the fuck out.
Or I guess you do have one last alternative. Throw that fucker under the bus. You know damn well Tim Geithner would sell you out in a second if it came down to your ass vs. his so why not be proactive for once in your life and sing?
Come on, ZB, this is your only chance.
Otherwise, we can pretty much keep this up for as long as China will play along and you can pick which bad guy you go down forever as. Personally, I like the stupid one, and it makes me feel a lot better about reaching out across enemy lines to slap some sense into your bitch ass. Come on now.
This isn't a chalkboard, fucker, it's everything. Time to grow a pair.
And if you ever want to take me up on that offer for Chuck E. Cheese and paperbagged PBR on our shared birthday, hit a girl up. Bring your own tokens, motherfucker, I heard you got a press that makes them special just for you.
Jr Deputy Accountant