Before We Talk About Anything Else, Let's Get the Tiny Dick Out of the Way (Then Get to the InterOil Fraud)
Not to be vulgar or anything but priorities are priorities and before we get into this mess with InterOil and its "less than meets the eye" (teeny weenies + Transformers = maybe I'm not clever enough to make references to movies I haven't seen) pusher come lately, let's discuss what's important: Shia LaBeouf's oversharing problem (that is making him the brunt of whatever joke I'm going to make by the end of this).
The NY Post did Shia LaBeouf: "I'm Not Extremely Well-Endowed":
In the new issue of Playboy, Shia talks -- among other things -- about the time he lost his virginity. "I was shaking in my boots," he says about the romp, four years ago.
"Getting naked was very strange. It was the first time I'd been naked in the light, in front of a girl, with no hiding place."
Things took a turn for the worse when Shia, who was pretending to be a Lothario, made the age-old mistake of trying to copy a porn he'd seen.
"I remember putting a pillow underneath her because I had seen that in a porn movie...[It] put her at a weird angle, where I couldn't get in correctly. I'm not extremely well-endowed ... and clearly this wasn't the move.
Keep in mind the dude is 23... but if you've seen his early work, you might get why he didn't get any until 4 years ago.
Anyway, I digress.
That brings us to InterOil and FUCK could there BE a funnier stock for Shia LaBeouf to be pumping with his self-confessed tiny dick?! OMG! It TOTALLY writes itself! It makes What's The Story Of Shia LaBeouf Pumping InterOil? (Business Insider) even funnier, as if the idea of the dork from Transformers pumping ANY stocks isn't funny enough on its own:
Earlier this week, we noted the actor's investing tips from a GQ profile, including energy company InterOil:
"Look at IOC. IOC's momentum is major and it will surprise to the upside."
Hey, plenty of people are betting on oil, so why not?
But there's a back-story to the very specific pick. As felon-turned-financial blogger Sam Antar and others have implied, the apparent reason for choosing IOC at virtual random is Shia's relationship with brokerage John Thomas Financial.
As part of his Wall Street preparation, LaBeouf spent time at John Thomas in New York to understand high finance. So good was the training, LaBeouf says, he turned a $20,000 investment into $489,000 with the help of advisers at John Thomas and others.
It sounds like he needed to spend some time at John Thomas (Urban Dictionary, people, come on, keep up). JDA spends some time there every few weeks with her partner in crime who shall remain nameless and Lord knows he would never say something like that to Playboy, nor would he be caught pumping fraudulent bullshit like InterOil. Then again, that's why JDA's partner in crime is getting some and poor little Shia is all tied up pumping crap stocks. It's all about the big swinging dicks, Shia, you might want to stay away from Wall Street until you figure that out (sorry no one told you that when you were researching your role, you should have hit JDA up and she woulda taught you all about large pairs.) Ask my partner in crime.
Any-fucking-way, Sam "It Takes a Crook to Know One" Antar has tipped me off to this and he's not the only one who smells something funny so I guess we'll have to sit back and watch this little show play out. Personally I'd rather be watching some real dick swinging like Goldman Sachs v the Universe or The Federal Reserve vs Andrew Jackson but a girl's got to take what she can get and a few weeks off every now and then.
Meanwhile, please continue with this nonsense.
See also: The InterOil Saga: Convicted Felons Battle Current Breed of Crooks Scamming Investors Today (White Collar Fraud)
InterOil CEO Slapped for 'Bad Faith' Bankruptcy Filing (The Street Sweeper)
Interoil's Strange Comments on Stock Price (Blogging Stocks)
Oh and the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer if, you know, you're into movies. Meh.