TLP: One Thing's for Sure, the Birds Aren't Telling What Happened
True fact: both Jr Deputy Accountant and The Lazy Paperboy had the same favorite bird when they were just little shit-disturbers: the red-winged blackbird. So the mysterious massive freak show of thousands of the little birds falling from the sky over Arkansas on New Year's Eve was a WTF moment for your correspondents.
And for scientists, according to The Huffington Post:
Initial tests conducted by biologists on the red-winged blackbirds and starlings found in Arkansas revealed that the birds suffered internal injuries that formed deadly blood clots. Countless explanations have been speculated, from intense high-altitude weather like lightning or hail to disturbance from fireworks. Disease and poison were determined to be far less likely causes, though full test results won't rule them out until next week.Uh huh. Well, what would you expect "officials" to say? Something lame about the effects of the tornadoes that hit Arkansas about the same time? Scary fireworks? Hail? Please.
"There was probably some physical reason, but I doubt anyone will ever know what it was," Thurman Booth, Arkansas' wildlife services director, told CBS.
The latest occurrence of more dead birds turning up in Louisiana only compounds local residents' worries, as in the week prior to the Arkansas blackbird mystery, 83,000 dead drum fish washed up along a river about 100 miles west of Beebe. Wildlife officials claim the incidents are not related.
Isn't it much more likely that aliens are behind this? Where was Dick Cheney and his robot heart? Or maybe it was some mildly creepy "research" project straight out of the "X-Files" that no one's ever heard of. How about HAARP for starters? "HAARP stands for High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, which is an investigation project to 'understand, simulate and control ionospheric processes that might alter the performance of communication and surveillance systems.' Started in 1993, the project is proposed to last for a period of twenty years." Time's running out on that one and it sounds about right.
Of course, JDA is holding out the hope that the blame will fall on the high-pitched frequency emitted by Zimbabwe Ben's printing press.
RIP, little birdies.