Jr Deputy Accountant's Handy Hurricane Survival Guide

Friday, August 26, 2011 7 Comments

The JDA Hurricane Survival Kit is ready!

I have to admit, I have no fucking clue what to do in a hurricane. I grew up in the Midwest so, you know, tornadoes are more my thing and in the case of a bad twister, you just run your ass into the basement to wait it out. And since I've lived in California my entire adult life, the worst I had to deal with was constant rain 6 months out of the year every year and a few earthquakes.

Now that I've been in DC for almost a year, I'm getting used to dealing with all sorts of ungodly weather events such as 90% humidity (tip: Garnier makes a bad ass product called Anti-Humidity Milk for angry hair), blizzards and thunderstorms. But a hurricane? Christ almighty, this was not in the brochure.

Anyway, here are a few tips based on my experience last winter with no power for three days (thanks, Pepco!).

1. Take a shower. Early. You better get your dirty ass in the shower and make it long and hard (the shower, I mean, not yourself, sicko). And don't forget to shave! Know how your mom always told you to wear clean underwear in case you get in a car accident? The same rule applies here. Trust me, you don't want to end up the hairy bushman waiting in the dark for the power to come back on, trying to shave your wild nether regions by candlelight with a bottle of water and some pump soap.

2. Clean your house. There is nothing more rank than 4 days worth of dirty dishes sitting in a sink because you don't have hot water to wash them with. I made this mistake last winter and finally had to give in and wash them in cold ass water in my cold ass house. So while you're glued to The Weather Channel, just take a moment to clean up, throw in some laundry, vacuum, whatever. Trust me, you'll appreciate a clean house when the shit hits the fan. Or your windows.

3. Remember, alcohol dehydrates you, so if your disaster plan includes booze, compensate with extra water. If you're anything like me, your disaster kit includes lots and lots of alcohol. Make sure to store extra water so you can replenish after that awesome, late night hurricane bender. And here's a tip: store a bottle of vodka in the freezer so you don't have to drink warm vodka lemonades using Gatorade stored in your cabinets. You're welcome.

4. Have extra batteries! Listen, if the power goes out, you're going to get really, really bored. You can only watch trees blowing around outside for so long before you get stir crazy. So make sure you have extra batteries on hand... for the flashlight, for the iPod dock and, most importantly, for any battery-operated adult novelty toys you may have stashed away in your nightstand. Listen, I said it is going to be boring, don't get stuck having to rub one out manually in a disaster.

5. Make sure you have enough prescription medicine if you need it. This is especially true if you are in a medical marijuana state and have a card. Seriously. You can never have too much.

Stay safe out there this weekend, kids. As long as I have BlackBerry juice, I'm sure I'll be live-tweeting updates from the DC hood.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.


Anonymous said...

do you have one of those hybrid dildos that runs on electricity AND liquid fuel?

Bob English said...

Having ridden out a few myself, buy enough dry ice to fill a large cooler, then use a second cooler as a refrig, refilling w/ the ice when necessary. You'll be loving those perishable luxury items after a few days when everyone else is eating out of a can.

Jonah Gibson said...

Hurricane preparedness for me is like prepping for the CPA exam. It's not something you want to overdo unless you're an anal retentive accounting geek. You want to do just exactly enough and no more. This is tough when you're not an ace fortune teller. In DC you're not likely to take a direct hit, so your biggest problem is going to be the aftermath and how well or poorly authorities deal with the damage. If you take a direct hit though you need to know one thing. There will come a time when you will wish that you were drunk, and then there will come a time when you think that the little booze you have drunk is going to get you killed. The second condition is way more serious than the first.

You forgot: Ammo and guns! I hope that you have your 20 ga. (or 12 ga.) shotgun with buttstock carrier ready to go. http://www.moodylonerswithhandguns.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Rem870-Butt.JPG

W.C. Varones said...


Can you give some recommendations on what weaponry we should be buying for civil unrest?

I've only got a S&W 9mm pistol and a .22 plinker rifle.

I know I need to man up. Where would you start?

Anonymous said...

I did mean to mention that the boots were cute.

Anonymous said...

I arrived in W philly on sat. afternoon. I think i heard someone say that US Air was the last flight in before the airport closed. i waited patiently for the predicted mayhem and destruction until i finally fell asleep at midnight. Turned out to be a non-event. 50 mph winds reminded me of a normal day at home.