Jr Deputy Accountant's Handy Hurricane Survival Guide
The JDA Hurricane Survival Kit is ready!
I have to admit, I have no fucking clue what to do in a hurricane. I grew up in the Midwest so, you know, tornadoes are more my thing and in the case of a bad twister, you just run your ass into the basement to wait it out. And since I've lived in California my entire adult life, the worst I had to deal with was constant rain 6 months out of the year every year and a few earthquakes.
Now that I've been in DC for almost a year, I'm getting used to dealing with all sorts of ungodly weather events such as 90% humidity (tip: Garnier makes a bad ass product called Anti-Humidity Milk for angry hair), blizzards and thunderstorms. But a hurricane? Christ almighty, this was not in the brochure.
Anyway, here are a few tips based on my experience last winter with no power for three days (thanks, Pepco!).
1. Take a shower. Early. You better get your dirty ass in the shower and make it long and hard (the shower, I mean, not yourself, sicko). And don't forget to shave! Know how your mom always told you to wear clean underwear in case you get in a car accident? The same rule applies here. Trust me, you don't want to end up the hairy bushman waiting in the dark for the power to come back on, trying to shave your wild nether regions by candlelight with a bottle of water and some pump soap.
2. Clean your house. There is nothing more rank than 4 days worth of dirty dishes sitting in a sink because you don't have hot water to wash them with. I made this mistake last winter and finally had to give in and wash them in cold ass water in my cold ass house. So while you're glued to The Weather Channel, just take a moment to clean up, throw in some laundry, vacuum, whatever. Trust me, you'll appreciate a clean house when the shit hits the fan. Or your windows.
3. Remember, alcohol dehydrates you, so if your disaster plan includes booze, compensate with extra water. If you're anything like me, your disaster kit includes lots and lots of alcohol. Make sure to store extra water so you can replenish after that awesome, late night hurricane bender. And here's a tip: store a bottle of vodka in the freezer so you don't have to drink warm vodka lemonades using Gatorade stored in your cabinets. You're welcome.
4. Have extra batteries! Listen, if the power goes out, you're going to get really, really bored. You can only watch trees blowing around outside for so long before you get stir crazy. So make sure you have extra batteries on hand... for the flashlight, for the iPod dock and, most importantly, for any battery-operated adult novelty toys you may have stashed away in your nightstand. Listen, I said it is going to be boring, don't get stuck having to rub one out manually in a disaster.
5. Make sure you have enough prescription medicine if you need it. This is especially true if you are in a medical marijuana state and have a card. Seriously. You can never have too much.
Stay safe out there this weekend, kids. As long as I have BlackBerry juice, I'm sure I'll be live-tweeting updates from the DC hood.