The Senate Tries to Keep Our Lights On a Few More Weeks

This sounds a lot like how I live my life towards the end of the month, but instead of $114 million, I'm lucky to have a spare $114 on hand. Except I am a starving writer living in one of the most expensive cities in the country and this is the federal government we're talking about here.

But HEY, now that the Senate has reached a deal, we're that much closer to never ever having to worry about not having enough money to pay the bills again. Right.


The Senate reached a bipartisan spending agreement on Monday to avert a government shutdown, sidestepping a bitter impasse over disaster financing after federal authorities said they could most likely squeak through the rest of this week with the $114 million they had on hand.

After blocking one Democratic proposal, the Senate voted, 79 to 12, to approve a straightforward seven-week extension of financing for government agencies that were due to run out of money on Friday, simultaneously replenishing accounts at the Federal Emergency Management Agency that this summer’s string of natural disasters had nearly exhausted.

“It shows us the way out,” said Senator Harry Reid, the Democratic majority leader, who said the plan should be satisfactory to both Democrats and Republicans. “It means we no longer have to fight.”

The way out? No offense to Mr. Reid but are you fucking dense, bro? That would be like me trucking my beat up old Mazda over to Virginia to get a car title loan to keep the lights on for a few more weeks and claiming all my problems solved. Is he for real?

I would like to believe at this point that the boneheads in my fair town are smart enough not to say these sorts of things out loud but I know better.

Anyone else find it sketchy that FEMA just magically came up with some extra cash to get them through after the first plan was shot down? What did they do, scour the couch cushions in those concentration camp trailers to find a few quarters?

Maybe if FEMA wasn't giving away $800 a pop on a "case-by-case basis" to people who buy generators or offering assistance to undocumented immigrants, we might have a few more bucks 'til pay day. Why should the government be expected to fund your fucking generator? Candles are $2 a pop, deal.

But hey, let us all know how that way out works for everyone, please, Harry Reid. I'm so super excited!

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.