The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here!

Sunday, May 27, 2012 , , 6 Comments

Remember last year when the CDC came out with that incredibly informative but completely tongue-in-cheek zombie awareness campaign? Yeah, so, maybe that wasn't totally made up.

One man was shot to death by Miami police, and another man is fighting for his life after he was attacked and his face allegedly half eaten, by a naked man on the MacArthur Causeway off ramp, police said.

The bloodshed began about 2 p.m. when a series of gunshots were heard on the ramp, which is along NE 13th Street, just south of The Miami Herald building. Witnesses said a woman saw the two men fighting and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and saw that the naked man was actually chewing the other man’s head, according to witnesses. The officer ordered the naked man to back away, and when he continued the assault, the officer shot him. The attacker continued to eat the man, despite being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

Read more here:
Why don't you just read that again to be safe. EATING SOME DUDE'S FACE, SHOT REPEATEDLY, KEPT EATING. If that isn't a zombie, I don't know what is. Worse, the man with his face half eaten off is now infected and probably biting nurses at some Miami hospital as we speak.

One police source called it "the most gruesome thing he’d ever seen." Obviously he's never seen Evil Dead.

According to another source who spoke with the officer involved, the officer saw what the zombie was doing and ordered him to stop. At that point, the zombie GROWLED at the officer and kept eating. This is some real shit, folks.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, they eatin' errrrbody out here!


Dallas Pizza Chain Ticks Off Latin People and Conservatives With Its New Campaign

Oh dear. Someone tell me, do we REALLY not have anything better to complain about these days?

Dallas-based pizza chain Pizza Patrón is planning to give away tens of thousands absolutely free large pepperoni pizzas on June 5th. The catch? To get your free pizza, you've got to order it in Spanish.

Of course, you can only imagine the outrage that this has caused, because we don't need free food in our backyard, damnit!

USA Today:

The move comes at a time immigration and immigration reform remain simmering election-year issues. One in every six people in the U.S. is Latino, says the U.S. Census Bureau. From 2000 to 2010, the U.S. Hispanic population expanded from 35.3 million to 50.5 million. 

Critics of the free pizza promo are lashing out — including some in the Latino community.

"Maybe they thought it was a cute thing to do, but I think it's discrimination," says Marcela Gomez, president of Hispanic Marketing Group, a Latino marketing firm in Nashville. "As an advertising agency, I would never recommend this to my client."

One conservative group doesn't like it, either. "It seems to punish people who can't speak Spanish, and I resent that," says Peter Thomas, chairman of the Conservative Caucus, which advocates English as the nation's spoken language. "In public areas, people should be speaking English, and that includes pizza parlors."

EXCUSE ME, PETER THOMAS, but this is a free country and I will speak any motherfucking language I want, gracias!! Our founding fathers gave their all so I can worship at the Church of My Cats and speak exclusively in tongue clicks and squeals if I want, don't tell me what to do. Don't you just love how the small government folk are the first to demand the government do something about anything they don't like? Makes me ill just to be associated with them by way of voter registration sometimes.

Anyway, I really don't see the big deal. Why? Well for starters, the Spanish word for pizza is - wait for it - PIZZA. Holy shit, it's a travesty!

And really, what exactly is the chain discriminating against? People who can't be bothered to Google "one pizza please" before heading to Pizza Patrón for their free pizza? That's like saying coupons discriminate against lefties who only own right-handed scissors.

Seriously, people. There are way better things to get butthurt about. Free food is certainly not it.


TLP: "Faster, Higher, Stronger" in HD

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 , , 0 Comments


The Olympics are coming. And in case you forgot, you're supposed to buy a big-screen teevee to watch every sweaty, grunting, tear-jerking moment. I was sweating and grunting in the gym when this ad played (on a big-screen teevee) and it nearly made me cry.

Shameless, the way they use "amateur" athletes to tell you how many miles they ran, how long they spent on the practice field ... "I've spent my entire life training for this moment, so you better be watching, on a big amazing TV, so you don't miss a single glorious detail ..."

And it better be a Panasonic. Or else you're un-American.


TLP: This is Nuts



For the second time in a year, a motorist has been ticketed in South Carolina for displaying a replica of testicles on a vehicle.

A Spartanburg County sheriff's deputy stopped a truck Sunday evening after noticing the "anatomically correct" display on the rear bumper. The incident report says the driver removed the display after being stopped but he was arrested for driving without a license. He was also given a warning ticket for having an obscene display.

Last July, a Berkeley County woman was ticketed for having a similar display on the back of her truck.

The best part of this story is the guy removing the fake nuts. I'm just sorry we don't get to know if he also handed them over to Deputy Freud. 

I happen to know law enforcement. In South Carolina. And from the incident reports I used to check in police stations and trials I covered when I wasn't as lazy as I am now, I know they have much better ways to spend their time. As sad as that is to say.

Besides, if you feel compelled to drive around flaunting giant comical testicles on the rear bumper of your truck — and it is always trucks, though that's another whole issue — chances are you're probably punished enough as it is.


For the Moms

Sunday, May 13, 2012 2 Comments

When I was 6, the neighborhood boys were teasing me for having new glasses. You see, I was born with a bad eye. A really bad eye. I can't do those 3D pictures you look at long enough until they turn into something else and when I use FaceTime, I can't help but look completely cross-eyed in the little window if I try to focus. It's cool, some people think glasses are hot and personally I think they make me look better, hot or not.

Anyway, it was the 80s so of course my glasses were large and ugly just like my mom's. And of course the neighborhood boys I thought were my friends launched on me almost immediately the day I came home rocking them. See I was kind of a tomboy (I know, hard to imagine) so up until that point I was pretty cool with my fake snot and run over plastic Care Bears, this was a major turn of events. Suddenly I was a dork in my too-tight iron-on t-shirt and red Richard Simmons shorts slit up the side because I had glasses on.

So one morning, I ran running upstairs crying to my mom about how these terrible boys were making fun of me. She looked me straight in the eye (the good one, at least) and said, "I have full faith in your ability to handle this."

WHAT?! You mean she wasn't going to run down there and yell at these boys' parents?! You mean I had to figure it out on my own? Little taunted 6-year-old me?

Well I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my sleeve and ran right back outside to handle the situation.

By the time my mom peered through the blinds to check on me in the yard across the street, I had one boy down on the ground and was in the process of launching the other into a bush. Fuck that. I wasn't going to spend the rest of my elementary school days being taunted by a couple of Milwaukee assholes who would end up tire rotators and drunken deadbeat dads, respectively. And you know what my mom did? Smiled. Told the story years later. Celebrated the fact that she had raised a daughter who would not stand around and be picked on by a couple of dickheads on her own block.

So. Happy Mother's Day to the moms out there for doing the right thing and saying "I have full faith in your ability to handle this." Oh what we would be without that. Good lookin' out, ladies.


TLP: When You Have a Billion Dollars, You Can Find All Kinds of Things


In addition to putting the term "deep throat" into mainstream conversation, not to mention the front pages of newspapers, "All the President's Men" also gave us the awesomeness that is the word "ratfucking."

The dirty tricks of Watergate are legendary. But what's 40 years?

The day after President Obama endorsed gay marriage, Mitt Romney found himself responding to allegations that as a teenager he harassed a prep school classmate who later came out as gay.

The account put Mr. Romney, who has struggled on the campaign trail to cast off his rivals’ image of him as privileged and insensitive, on the defensive about events nearly 50 years ago.

The episode, reported by The Washington Post, occurred at Cranbrook, a private school that Mr. Romney, the son of an automobile executive-turned-governor, attended in Michigan. Mr. Romney returned from spring break in his senior year to find that John Lauber, a quiet, offbeat type, had bleached his hair blond.

Mr. Romney, brandishing a pair of scissors, led other boys on a hunt for Mr. Lauber, teasing him and holding him down while Mr. Romney snipped off his long locks.

“As to pranks that were played back then, I don’t remember them all, but again, high school days, if I did stupid things, why, I’m afraid I’ve got to say sorry for it,” Mr. Romney, 65, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said in a Fox News Radio interview on Thursday. He said he also had no reason to believe “the fellow was homosexual,” which was “the furthest thing from my mind back in the 1960s.” 
Obviously, it's not the furthest thing from the minds of the Obama opposition research team. And we're only just getting started.


Where's Osama bin Laden's National Enquirer Cover?

Well, looks like they screwed that one up, didn't they?
Pentagon officials recently disclosed to the Associated Press (AP) that they could not find any photo or video evidence to confirm that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was killed in the Navy Seal raid in Pakistan a year ago. AP has submitted more than 20 requests for information surrounding the raid on Bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound to the U.S. Government under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). In response to the request for visual evidence of Bin Laden’s death, the Pentagon stated that it could not find any pictures or video footage of the raid itself or of Bin Laden’s dead body. It also told AP it could not locate any images of Bin Laden’s body that were taken on the U.S.S. Carl Vinson, the Navy aircraft carrier that reportedly lowered him into the sea after his death.
Well that's just awesome. The story is already full of holes and, well, completely weird. You mean NO ONE got a picture of the dude with his face blown off? No one thought to grab the camera and Instagram that shit?

So... here are the possibilities:

A) The Pentagon is full of shit and holding out on us. That's lying but not stupidity.
B) The Pentagon is telling the truth and everyone royally screwed this one up.
C) The Pentagon is telling the truth because Osama bin Laden actually died years ago, therefore they wouldn't have photos or video of a raid that never happened. More and more, I believe this is the correct scenario.

It's shameful, really. Just what we don't need, Osama bin Laden sightings at the mall. Come on, people, pics or it didn't happen!


Today's Darwin News: Two Teens Hit By Car While Sunbathing ON the Road

Yes, you read that headline correctly.
Two teenage girls were struck by a car while sunbathing along Donald Avenue on Saturday afternoon in Beaver County.

"I'm very upset. It's the worst thing I've ever seen," witness Nicole Beck said.

Authorities said Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George, both 13, had to be flown by helicopter to a hospital after they fell asleep while tanning in the road and were hit by the vehicle.

"I jumped off the tractor, ran across the road, ran to the road," neighbor Keith Gilbert said. "I didn't get his attention in time, and he hit both girls."

Nicole and Nicholas Beck, who are Schermanhorn's cousins, said their 19-year-old brother was driving and had stopped at a stop sign before making a turn and hitting the two girls.

"They told us they fell asleep on the road, and my brother turned and hit them," Nicholas Beck said.
I'm not sure what's the stupidest part of this story, the fact that they were in the road tanning or that they were tanning at all.

While it's tragic two young girls were run over, the real tragedy is that we've reached the point in our civilized development where news like this is no longer shocking.


Looking Back on Osama bin Laden's Alleged Death One Year Later

Tuesday, May 01, 2012 3 Comments

I remember it like it was yesterday. First the email alerts started coming in that Obama would be making a very important announcement at 10 pm on a Sunday which was weird in and of itself. The economy was still sputtering on and a new election year was fast approaching. What on Earth could it be?

Unfortunately, I found myself splayed out on the couch with a major back injury (I inherited a series of crappy discs from my mom's side and it just happened to go out on me that weekend, leaving me hunched over and skulking through life) the night the news came in that they killed Osama bin Laden. Navy SEALs, a Pakistani village and the most wanted man in the world. It was like a movie script. I remember calling my grandfather and asking him, "Are you watching this shit? Can you believe it?!" He couldn't. A lifelong Democrat, he's the one who taught me to be skeptical of everything. We shared a moment on my porch reflecting on the ridiculousness of the whole thing, this staged announcement and Obama marching out in front of America to announce that we finally got the bad guy. Oh, and sorry, there would be no body to gape at, no gruesome photos passed around the Internet.

Having only lived in Washington for 6 or so months at that point, I debated hopping in my car and shmobbing down to the White House to see this celebration for myself but couldn't due to my unfortunately timed back injury. So I stretched out there on my couch and watched as hundreds, possibly thousands of Washingtonians and tourists swarmed the White House, yelling "USA! USA!" on the lawn. They threw beach balls. They chanted. They climbed trees. They showed up in full body spandex American flag outfits. They draped flags around their shoulders, strangely equipped with all manner of stars and stripes decor, despite the fact that most young Americans likely own a single Old Navy 4th of July American flag t-shirt at most.

Was this some proud American moment we all shared by the light of our television sets? Or was it all one big farce?

As I watched college kids scaling the trees in front of the White House, I couldn't believe my eyes. On any other day, there's no way they'd allow this kind of celebration that close to the lawn. But no one was getting shot, no one was getting dragged away, no one was even cattle-prodded into a safer area. They were out there celebrating, chanting "USA! USA!" all the way, nary an uncomfortable Secret Service agent in sight. It was at that moment I knew this was all bullshit.

What a touching photo, right? Well right... but, uh, since when are you allowed to scale the trees out there? What if I drove out there right now and did the same, what do you think would happen to me? Don't answer that, I already know the answer and so do you.

Or how about this? Am I really to believe these bros just so happened to have a bunch of American flags and American flag bandannas lying around the frat house that they grabbed on their way to go celebrate the death of America's number 1 enemy? I'm sorry but I don't buy it. No, fuck that, I'm not sorry and I don't buy it. There, I said it.

Even on the off chance these kids were real, how shameful it was to see my fellow Americans chanting "USA! USA!" over the death of a human being. Fine, a horrible human being by all accounts but still, where's the decency? Where's the satisfaction in knowing we won, why make it an excuse to put on a stars and stripes bandanna and party in front of the White House? We were supposed to be better than the infidels.

Why dump his body in the sea? Why not simply cremate the guy and bury him in Fort Knox with the non-existent gold? Why not at least hang onto him long enough to silence the conspiracy theorists who they had to know would be all over this suspiciously timed story?

If you believe "anonymous sources," perhaps the plan wasn't all that well thought out after all:
The reason [bin Laden was buried at sea] is bound up within Islamic practice and tradition. And that practice calls for the body of the deceased to be buried within 24 hours, according to a U.S. official, who spoke on Monday on condition of anonymity to discuss sensitive national security matters.

“We are ensuring that it is handled in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition,” confirmed the official. “This is something that we take very seriously. And so therefore, this is being handled in an appropriate manner.”
Well that's fantastic except the Muslims insist that's not cool according to their law:
Mohammed al-Qubaisi, Dubai's grand mufti, said of Bin Laden's burial: "They can say they buried him at sea, but they cannot say they did it according to Islam. Sea burials are permissible for Muslims in extraordinary circumstances. This is not one of them."

Abdul-Sattar al-Janabi, who preaches at Baghdad's Abu Hanifa mosque, said: "What was done by the Americans is forbidden by Islam and might provoke some Muslims.
My thought? The guy died a long time ago. Maybe naturally, maybe not. Maybe he never actually existed at all. There was no trial, he was guilty of the atrocities attributed to him and we were expected to celebrate that. No question. Just like when they hanged Saddam Hussein. It was just the right thing to do and if you ask why, you must be a bad American.

Never forget, America, never forget. You are well within your God-given right to question everything if you doubt the official story. Your skepticism might just save you.