UPDATED: So If It Isn't the Zombie Apocalypse, What Exactly Is Going On?

Ed. note: Instead of rehashing this post over and over, I'll be adding new incidents I find as they come in. Enjoy!

Admittedly, I'm taking this zombie apocalypse thing as far as it will go (I even made it the focus of my Going Concern column this morning). After all, I hate movies but have still watched Dawn of the Dead (original and remake) a good 20 times and have pretty much been holding out hope for a true outbreak my entire life. I've always known humanity is doomed but the events of the last month or so have convinced me that something is not right.

I realize it is not the zombie apocalypse and that is impossible (I am somewhat logical, believe it or not) so what is it? Solar flares? Bath salts? Collective hysteria? Has the Internet only exacerbated the problem by making this information always accessible? Perhaps people were eating each other when I was a kid (hey, Jeffrey Dahmer did it practically in my backyard) but we just didn't know it because there was no Twitter, no #ZombieApocalypse hashtag, no Facebook to share each gruesome story. It's really hard to say. Whatever it is, something has gone terribly, terribly awry.

I have seen a lot of misinformation floating around out there so in the interest of getting the headlines right, let's look at some cases from around the country, starting with the oldest first. Remember, dates are important. I did my best to nail them down by the day, give or take, but note the events that took place 2008 - 2010 that are mistakenly being trotted out as if they just happened to tie into this zombie hysteria. For the sake of this post, I stuck to American events only. There have also been recent disturbing events in Australia, Sweden and China that I will not include simply because I don't know their cultures enough to know if this kind of shit is cool.

January 5, 2008 Tyler, TX 25-year-old Christopher Lee McCuin claimed God told him to kill, cook and eat his 21-year old girlfriend. Investigators found her body with chunks of flesh cut out, one ear boiling in a pot of water on the stove, with a plate of human flesh and a fork stuck into it lying on the kitchen table. McCuin was found dead in his jail cell in December of 2008.

July 27, 2009 San Antonio, TX A mother is charged with murdering her 3 1/2 week old son using a knife and two swords to dismember the child. She ate parts of his body, including his brain, tore off his face and chewed off three of his toes before stabbing herself in the torso and slicing her own throat. This story has been popping up all over the place lately but is OLD. The mother, Otty Sanchez, was found not guilty by reason of insanity. It is believed she suffered from an extreme case of postpartum psychosis. Sanchez had a history of paranoid schizophrenia and had discontinued her medication during pregnancy due to potential damage to her fetus. Well, we see how that worked out.

June 1, 2010 Klamath, CA MMA fighter Jarrod Wyatt is charged with murdering his sparring partner, Taylor Powell, after he allegedly removed his friend's heart, tongue and most of his face. According to reports, police claimed the 26-year-old mixed martial arts fighter was under the influence of psychedelic drugs when he allegedly drilled an 18-inch hole into the victim's chest. Wyatt was convinced the world was about to end and that his sparring partner was the Devil. "Satan was in that dude," Wyatt allegedly told Del Norte County Police Sgt. Elwood Lee, who responded to the scene.

July 18, 2011 Los Angeles, CA A homeless woman attempts to snatch a 4-month-old baby boy from his stroller, slams him into a pole and tries to break off his arm. In an interview with detectives, 36-year-old Natasha Hubbard confirmed she tried to break the baby’s arm off in order to eat it.
January 25, 2012 Lynn Haven, FL Tyree Lincoln Smith is arrested for beating a Connecticut man to death and eating his eyeball and part of his brain in a cemetery. Smith apparently confessed his crime to his cousin and claimed the victim's eyeball tasted like oyster and that his brain tasted like - wait for it - lady juice. Yeah, y'all know what I mean by that. I've never had brain so I can't confirm if it does, in fact, taste like lady juice.

February 22, 2012 San Marcos, CA A man in a wheelchair allegedly bit a police officer in a San Marcos supermarket. After someone reported the man was causing a scene, deputies arrived to find the man out of his wheelchair, crawling around on the ground. As the deputies tried to assist him, he bit one of them in the leg, said a San Diego County Sheriff's Department spokesperson.

March 28, 2012 Phoenix, AZ A woman walking in the food aisle of a Phoenix Target is approached by an unknown man who walked up to her, dropped to the floor and started biting her foot.

April 6, 2012 Shrewsbury, MA 79-year-old Jieming Liu is arraigned a day after his wife, Yuee Zhou, 73, was found dead in their home. Investigators said the couple’s son went to visit his parents at their condominium Thursday afternoon and found his mother on a bedroom floor,  soaked in blood.  Her left arm was severed below the elbow. In court, prosecutors said the flesh was missing from her left forearm and her husband had been eating it.

April 17, 2012 West Miami, FL 21-year-old George Saldago died hours after being taken into custody after a 911 caller said Saldago, unclothed and acting wildly, had tried to bite him and rip off his clothes. A lawyer for the family said Saldago had taken LSD and was disconnected from reality when he stripped down and flipped out. Sorry but, uh, LSD doesn't do that to you. Nice try though, bro.

April 20, 2012 Washington, DC A cat adopted from the Washington Humane Society bites the crap out of financial blogger Jr Deputy Accountant's foot for no apparent reason... oh wait. Yeah, that really happened but my cat is an asshole, not a zombie.

Now, let's get to May of this year. This is when the shit gets crazy.

May 5, 2012 Bartlesville, OK 29-year-old Michael Williams Brent ends up in jail for biting and kicking a police officer after after being arrested for possession of drugs and driving under the influence.

May 21, 2012 La Grange, IL 18-year-old Lloyd Cortez was arrested after he allegedly grabbed an 18-year-old woman by the throat, bit her cheek and twisted her right arm while threatening to kill her if she called the police, police said.

May 25, 2012 Annapolis, MD A woman walking alone in Annapolis at 2:30am is approached by a group of unknown women out of nowhere. The women began punching, kicking and biting the woman. Police categorized the attack as "unusual."

May 26, 2012 Miami, FL Crazed face-eater Rudy Eugene goes viral. I don't need to recap this story, everyone should know it.

May 26, 2012 Orlando, FL 41-year-old anesthesiologist Dr. Zachary Bird  is facing felony battery charges after he allegedly banged his head repeatedly against the inside of a patrol car until he bled and and then spat blood into a sergeant's face when he was pulled over on suspicion of drunken driving, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. Bird had $40,000 in his pockets at the time with another $14,000 in his vehicle, a .44-caliber revolver and a .45-caliber semiautomatic, a bottle of pills and a vial of liquid in his BMW. It is still unknown what the liquid was. Bird became clearly upset and repeatedly banged his head against the patrol car Plexiglass, kicking and screaming in the back of the cop car. The video taken inside the car is chilling to say the least.

May 26, 2012 Golden Township, MI 28-year-old Bartolo Larios-Rivera gets into a fight with his roommate, strikes him in the left cheek with a kitchen knife and then bites him in the upper left arm. Oceana Lt. Craig Mast said the bite was a “severe bite.”

May 26, 2012 Deltona, FL 23-year-old Michael Nichols is arrested after chasing his sister with a kitchen knife. "Just wait till I get out and I'll finish the job," Michael Nichols said, according to the report. "I wanted to kill her while biting her." The sister claims he attacked her for no reason, grabbed her by the throat and tried to choke her. When she tried to defend herself, Michael Nichols bit her in the forearm, where deputies said they saw the bite mark.

May 27, 2012 Hackensack, NJ 43-year-old Wayne Carter barricaded himself in his Hackensack, New Jersey room on Sunday, May 27 when witnesses called police to report he had a knife and was threatening to harm himself. Harm himself he did. When officers showed up at his home, Carter ignored their requests to put down the knife and started stabbing himself. Pepper spraying him had no effect and the man proceeded to disembowel himself before police, flinging intestines and bits of skin at them. Officers were presumably so bugged out that they called the SWAT team in and Carter is still in critical condition but alive.

May 27, 2012 Columbus, GA A 34-year-old self-employed contractor Christopher Newman gets into a fight with two Lowe's employees, threatening to cut them with a knife and biting them both so hard on the arm as to draw blood.

May 28, 2012 Madison, WI 29-year-old Delarence Moore was charged with two counts of battery to a police officer, two counts of resisting, attempted battery to a police officer and disorderly conduct after biting two police officers attempting to get him under control. "Officers attempted to calm down and get Moore under control but he refused to listen," said Lt. Sherrie Strand in the release. "Two officers were bit by Mr Moore before he was taken into custody."

May 29, 2012 San Diego, CA Two drunken cousins get into an argument, one bites the other's nose off.

May 29, 2012 Palm Coast, FL 28-year-old Angel Vega Roman is arrested for cruelty to animals after he allegedly choked a kitten a bit the lips off another kitten, burning its ear and whiskers with a lighter. As a crazy cat lady, I want to beat the shit out of this guy personally, zombie or not. This guy is probably just a random psycho but I'm including him because he's a dick and if you ever see him on the street, you need to kick him in the balls for me.

May 30, 2012 Staten Island, NY 52-year-old Thomas Tomasello pulled a Mike Tyson and took a bite out of a fellow pizza shop patron's ear over a stupid argument that involved a chick and a teevee inside a pizza parlor.

May 31, 2012 Joppa, MD 21-year-old Maryland brain-eater Alexander Kinyua reveals he chopped up his roommate and ate part of his brain and heart. Kinyua's Facebook page reveals he was attempting to reach a higher spiritual plane. Maybe he got there and we're the crazies.

June 2, 2012 Carencro, LA 43-year-old Carl Jacquneaux begins his day of madness by shoving his elderly aunt who called police. 6 hours later, the man attacks his ex-wife's current husband and bites off a piece of the man's cheek. The victim used wasp spray to defend himself.

June 2, 2012 North Miami Beach, FL 21-year-old Brandon De Leon - under the influence of Four Loko, weed, Xanax and "Cloud 9" - is arrested after getting into an altercation with another man. Police said De Leon slammed his head repeatedly against the plexiglass of a police car and told the officer “I’m going to eat you.” “Brandon growled and opened and closed his jaw, slamming his teeth like an animal would,” the incident report said. He also barked and growled inside of a cell. At bond court, the suspect told the judge he did not recall the incident. "If I can say something your honor, I have no recollection of anything that happened that night," he said.

June 5, 2012 New Haven, CT 38-year-old Lowpel Davis is caught stealing a $15 clearance wig from a beauty shop. According to police, Davis punched the store owner and his 70-year-old father in the face and bit the owner's bicep, taking a chunk of flesh from his arm and spitting it in his face. Police who responded to the scene said Davis was "crazed."

September 13, 2012 Hawley, PA 20-year-old Richard Ciminio Jr. parked his car, stripped down to his draws, tried to break into a house and then broke into a different, unoccupied house. Once there, he jumped out of the second floor window of the home, causing severe injuries to his legs and arms. But that's not crazy enough, a blood-soaked Ciminio then attacked two women who walked by and "began to gnaw” at one woman's head while “screaming like an animal," according to cops.

Did I get them all? Christ I hope so.

Now... since we know zombies don't exist, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus is happening here? I am a firm believer in the idea that humanity is rocketing toward a new level of consciousness (as opposed to the "world ending" scenario some misinformed 2012 theorists cling to) but I certainly did not see this as the inevitable result of such a jolt to human consciousness.

Have we lost our minds? Is there something greater at work here we're missing? Is it just one big weird coincidence? Whatever it is, it's creepy. Not creepy enough to warrant getting freaked out over things that happened 3 years ago but still, creepy.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.


Poppy McCabe said...

It's just like 2001. Summer of the Shark,but with zombies. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summer_of_the_Shark

And we all know what happened to take our minds off of that.

Sassy Sap said...

April 20, 2012 Washington, DC A cat adopted from the Washington Humane Society bites the crap out of financial blogger Jr Deputy Accountant's foot for no apparent reason... oh wait. Yeah, that really happened but my cat is an asshole, not a zombie.

Best part of the whole article, hahhahaaa. Otherwise, I'm officially creeped. the. fuck. out.

Anonymous said...

you need to add this story your list:


profalbrecht said...

JDA, great piece of investigative journalism here.

I am barricading myself at home, armed with knives and guns. Those zombies aren't going to get me.

Nicky Jett said...

If I didn't have a google alert for Tyree Lincoln Smith I would have missed this really cool article.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the disturbingly bizarre list. I just hope this trendy cannibalism doesn't become a new protein diet craze.

Anonymous said...

Human, it's what's for breakfast! Just kidding, but I do love eating my wife! If that makes me a cannibal, so be it!

Anonymous said...

Personally i don't understand why anyone thinks that a "higher state of conscienceness" or "the veil being lifted" can be considered a good thing, i mean yeah there are good things on the other side of that veil, but there are also things that are very very bad and the ability to perceive those things can only end poorly, if my theory is correct you can expect to see a hell of alot more instances like the ones mentioned in this article (pun intended lol)