Hit By Hurricane JDA, Francis Koenig's Fake Ass Lawyer Backs Down

 pic via SFW-porn

Well well! After two demands for his alleged lawyer's California bar number which I guess I will never get, it appears I'm off the hook for the Francis Koenig lawsuit I never legitimately faced in the first place. Unfortunate for this alleged lawyer and his "client," it's too late to call off the hounds and JDA is fully prepared to be all up in dat ass for coming after me. DON'T FUCK WITH THE CONSTITUTION, DUDE. You done crossed the First Amendment and now I have no choice but to unleash the full fury of Hurricane JDA on your ass. Nothing personal but you requested it, in email at that.

Anyhoo. Here's the email I sent him last night after he threatened to sue the shit out of me:


I assume you have no issue with an earlier post written about Mr Koenig which painted his hedge fund in a positive light or shall I remove that as well?

As previously stated, I assure you I will publish your communications with me and threats in full and am completely within my right to do so.

On its face, the material you provided me from the SEC does not absolve your client of any wrongdoing as no investigation was completed and the statements I made at the time were made in good faith, using information I believed to be reliable at the time, with no ill will intended toward your client. It would be difficult to prove my intent to be otherwise and would think you would have far bigger fish to fry than some fringe blogger - namely the sites from which I got that information in the first place. As far as I can tell, those links remain active: http://www.finalternatives.com/node/7519
"Skeezing" on investment sources is not slander, it's a compliment! All good investors skeeze on an opportunity - it's also a liberal artistic interpretation of the situation.

Are you a licensed attorney in the state of California? I wasn't able to find your bar number, can you please give me that when you have a chance? Just want to let my people know if we have this headache to deal with over a well-intentioned post written in jest.

Of course, I didn't hear back right away. But undeterred, I kept pestering the guy. I wrote the SEC investigator who signed off on the AdultVest investigation, contacted the California state Bar to check up on his status as a licensed attorney in California since I could not confirm he was one based on the info provided to me from his emails and waited for my response. I didn't get one from Chris until the next day after a couple more emails.

Still waiting for his CA Bar number this morning with no response in my inbox, I sent this follow-up out:

Hi again Chris,

As I asked for last night after your last hostile email, my counsel needs your California bar number, can you get that to me as soon as you have a chance? Thanks.

Please also note I am in contact with the SEC regarding your request and will be submitting a FOIA for any and all information related to AdultVest so I can conduct an independent investigation. I'll be sure to leave words like "skeeze" out of my determination.

It's unfortunate it came to this but I believe you asked for it with your bullying and harassing with empty threats of frivolous lawsuits. I am completely within my First Amendment rights to address this matter further to my audience and am sure you will have no choice but to agree. I hope you are satisfied that I have removed the post in question.

As previously stated, I never meant any harm to your client. It is unfortunate that due to your actions, your client will now be subject to additional scrutiny completely within the bounds of investigative journalism protected by the First Amendment.

So yeah, please get me your bar number as soon as possible, I have to move quickly if you're really serious about coming after me. I hope you realize now what a bad idea that is.

Should you continue to ignore my very reasonable request for your CA bar number, I'll have no choice but to assume such a thing does not exist and forward these communications directly to the CA bar for their review.

At last, this came through this afternoon:
Hello Adrienne,
Thank you for removing the post.  I spoke with Mr. Koenig today to inform him.  He has instructed me to remove your name and your company from the lawsuit, and asked me to thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Note Chris did not sign it ESQ as he had the earlier emails that threatened me. The really unfortunate thing is that I told this guy I would have loved to have Francis Koenig tell his story on my site before he started threatening me - since I rank on the first page of Google for his own name just after his own LinkedIn page - and his "lawyer" declined. Francis, if you're still up for it I would LOVE to talk to you directly, ask Chris for my email and let's talk, no hard feelings. Of course, if you want to keep sending this fake hack "lawyer" after me, then there will be a lot of hard feelings and there's nothing any of us can do about all that. But for now it's not too late to hit me up and tell me all about how awesome you are as a hedge fund manager, I still have no reason to believe otherwise although I do seriously doubt your choices in legal counsel after all this nonsense. Legal counsel, LOL.

Anyway. Then this email came from Koenig's alleged "lawyer" right after the last email:

Adrienne, I responded to you a few minutes ago. In answer to your question, the bar number of the lead litigation attorney filing this case would provided on the lawsuit, however Mr. Koenig has requested that you are to be withdrawn from the case.

Sincerely, Chris 

Well that's really fucking hilarious, Chris, because I've already spoken to the California Bar about this - or more specifically you - and will be sending copies of your communications referring to "my client" and purporting yourself to be Mr. Koenig's attorney directly to them. Whoopsie!

Now, at no time did this Chris Jones, Esq. claim to be representing Mr. Koenig specifically in his initial emails but he sure did threaten me like he was from the get go. Using words like "we" and "my client" and signing emails with ESQ sure feels like lawyering to me. I mean how clearer could the "my client" inference be in this last threat I received from him?

It has been nearly a month since our last communication. I have given you ample time to remove the damaging article aimed at my client Francis Koenig.

I have advised you in writing that this article is outrageous, entirely untrue, and slanderous. I have provided you with evidence showing my client has been cleared. Yet you continue to display this article on your website. Your article starts by saying Koenig left Wall Street to "skeeze on the potential in alternative investments" and then references Bernie Madoff as a comparison! These are your baseless and egregious words.

Your acknowledgement of my prior notice is clear and undeniable evidence of your awareness of the harm your article is causing my client; Your actions in writing the article; The ample time I have provided you to remove this article; And your failure to remove the article after having been advised of the real and punitive damages this article is causing, is further evidence of your intent to continue to harm my client.
Well I guess I will just have to wait for the California Bar to weigh in on that last one.

I responded to his final communication assuring Jr Deputy Accountant and myself would be dropped from his bullshit "lawsuit" with the following:
Ah I understand.

Please note your communications to me will be forwarded to the California Bar, who I have been in touch with this afternoon, as well as the SEC, who I have also been in touch with today. As I'm sure you know, holding yourself out as an attorney in the state of California without the legal right to do so is a crime.

Am I to take this to mean you do not legally have the right to practice law in the state of California?

And may I have the name and bar number of the lead attorney then?

No response, and he's had hours to write one up. I won't hold my breath for one. But wow, thank goodness I dodged the bullet on the Koenig lawsuit huh guys! I was so worried for a minute there!

I have also replaced the post this "lawyer" wanted removed with the following editor note:
Editor note: due to bullying by the lawyer for Francis Koenig, the previous post here has been removed. Should you be interested in reading it, I have saved an archive copy and can email it to any interested parties, just get in touch.

Mr. Koenig's lawyer stated in his initial communication with me that he and his client were "engaged in a full scale to wipe clean the defacing press that has been costly to Mr. Koenig" and "will do whatever means necessary in order to restore the reputation of Mr. Koenig in the shortest time possible," later following up with a threat to name me and this website in a lawsuit seeking costs and damages "to the fullest extent available." Not once was I asked to simply issue a correction.

This is an all-out assault on the First Amendment - as no defamation was intended in the original piece - but because this website is a hobby of mine, not the kind of money-making venture that could withstand harassment by some lawyer who finds it at all appropriate to demand removal of content, I have removed the post. I have also published all communications from the lawyer and will be in touch with the SEC to secure any and all documents related to AdultVest to independently investigate that matter further. 

Earlier discussions of the alleged fraud can still be found elsewhere on the Internet:

Porn Hedge Fund Founder Defends Investment Decisions 

Porn Hedge Fund Accused Of Fraud, Exonerated

Let the shitstorm begin. I've got just the boots for it! COME AT ME, BRO!


Francis Koenig's Lawyer Threatened To Sue Me If I Didn't Remove a Three Year Old Post About AdultVest

 pic via SFW Porn

Well well. I've been writing this lovely little piece of Internet real estate called Jr Deputy Accountant for four years and for all the shit I've talked about many a well-meaning asshole over the years, I can't believe it took this long to get threatened by a real lawyer. But it's happened. Francis Koenig's lawyer is coming after me. Somehow I always thought it would be a Federal Reserve lawyer I heard from first, which just goes to prove my friends at the Fed understand I'm harmless and kinda like them at the end of the day, despite my big mouth that might say otherwise.

A bit of background. In April of 2009, I wrote about Francis Koenig's AdultVest hedge fund, which was at that time accused of fraud. I wrote that post based on this FINAlternatives post which is still up today:

Is last year’s most provocative hedge fund launch just another fraud?

Sources close to AdultVest Inc., which manages the Priapus Investment Fund, an adult entertainment hedge and private equity fund, say that it is spending investor money on more than just investments, and that what investments there are don’t account for the returns it claims.

A former investor says that founder Francis Koenig is looting the fund to pay for fine art, expensive wines, cars, personal trips and alimony. Meanwhile, a former employee tells FINalternatives “there was no capital being generated” during his time at the firm. “There is almost no money left in the fund,” the investor, who said he was privy to some of AdultVest’s financials via a court order, alleges. “Koenig has an American Express black card through the company that he uses on partying, girls and high living. Most money is missing and iPorn.com is not worth what he says it is.”

“It just seems to me the whole time I was there that there was no capital being generated,” says the former employee, who left the firm last year because he felt uncomfortable working in an office shrouded with mystery. “And it seemed like money was being spent for things that didn’t need to be bought like cars, clothes and trips,” he adds.

I cannot include the original post I wrote because I have been harassed into taking it down by a Chris Jones, ESQ out of Beverly Hills. Coincidentally, Chris' address as listed at the end of his emails is the same as that of Francis Koenig Construction.

Anyhoo. I wasn't the only one writing about AdultVest at the time and did so only because it involved porn, really, not because I had anything against Francis Koenig. I'm sure he's a nice, smart guy who knows how to make money. No hating there!

Business Insider covered it in April of 2009 as well (link is still live):
Back in January, The Atlantic ran a story about AdultVest -- a hedge fund that claimed an improbable 50% return last year by investing in adult businesses.

We say improbable, because although there's the notion that sin sells in any economy, that storyline has been decidedly busted this time around. Gambling is down. Liquor is down. Porn is even down. Even online porn. So, we wondered, how did AdultVest manage a 50% return?

Here's what we said at the time:

We asked Koenig what, exactly, he's been investing in that's bucked the trend, but he was unwilling to go into much detail. He noted AdultVest bought some porn domain names, which have been appraised at higher values, but which haven't been sold. He also mentioned AdultVest's stake in iPorn -- a startup doing porn for the iPhone. But iPorn hasn't launched yet so any value is going to be difficult to determine.

Until proven otherwise, we're taking this claim of 50% gains with a grain of salt. We've been trained by the last year to be deeply skeptical of notional, mark-to-model values, and when you're talking about valuing assets like iPhone porn startups and unsold domain names, our skepticism ticks up another notch.

But perhaps our skepticism didn't go far enough.
BI later ran an update:

UPDATE: The SEC was invited into Mr. Koenig's company to fully review all accounting and the result was that all funds were correctly accounted for. The SEC in turn closed the case in April 2010, exonerating Mr. Koenig from the said accusations in an official letter.

The January of 2009 Atlantic story, entitled Dirty Sexy Money, was very complimentary of Koenig's venture:

Enter Koenig and AdultVest. He sees the porn downturn as temporary and believes that technological improvements will trigger a turnaround. One example: iPorn, a start-up in AdultVest’s portfolio that is developing an application to deliver porn to the Apple iPod. “The industry’s not going anywhere,” Koenig says. “You’ve got 6 billion people on the planet,” he laughs, “and they’re all horny.” 

However, the kind words didn't stop one Atlantic commenter from writing:

Not very smart, this article......did you do any research for it? Or just regurgitate something read elsewhere?

Koenig has been "gone" for some time, money has disappeared, and even the website isn't there. You might try actually researching an article before writing a puff piece.
And then there's this:

IPorn has closed its offices in Beverly Hills. And it has also dropped out of the AEE show in January because its main investor has allegedly cut off its financial pipeline.

Francis Koenig owner of AdultVest, which owns a piece of IPorn [on paper Mike Weiss is the CEO of IPorn], allegedly went through something like $3.5 million of investors’ money in a two year period, according to the Grand Vizier who leaked parts of this story earlier.

The Vizier says the IPorn offices were for show anyway to impress investors but nothing really was ever done to develop IPorn.

“Everyone involved in IPorn is very upset and all investors will lose their money,” states The Vizier who says that Koenig, who comes from the investment world in New York, formed IPorn as a self-fulfilling sexual fantasy and that Koenig fancied himself as another Rocco and would often make that comparison.

So you could see where a well-meaning girl writing about finance and desperate to make dick jokes might take all that at face value and just regurgitate some news from reliable sources at the time, no? It's all very innocent.

Imagine my surprise when I got an email from a Chris Jones about a month back, purporting himself to represent Francis Koenig, over three years after I wrote that post about money shots and hedge funds. He wrote this:

Dear owner,

Your site is harboring a highly inaccurate and damaging article that has caused many losses to the individual whom it attacks, Francis Koenig.  The accusations were generated by an unscrupulous investor in Mr. Koenig's previous company who attempted to breach his contractual obligations to the company by unsuccessfully filing an un-grounded lawsuit threatening fraud allegations against the company and Koenig.  As a form of retaliation, this investor, having lost his lawsuit, knowingly and willingly launched an attack in the media with the intent of spreading false and slandering statements against the company and Koenig.  The SEC was invited into Mr. Koenig's company to fully review all accounting and the result was that all funds were correctly accounted for.  The SEC in turn closed the case, exonerating Mr. Koenig from the said accusations in an official letter, which is attached.

Your site is currently housing and subsequently accompanying in the costly disparagement of Mr. Koenig.  The publishing of a retraction statement was not enough to fix the issues created by the false statements.  We are now engaged in a full scale to wipe clean the defacing press that has been costly to Mr. Koenig and will do whatever means necessary in order to restore the reputation of Mr. Koenig in the shortest time possible. Suffering through this ordeal has already been difficult and un-fair, but to have these headlines which continue to falsely defame Koenig on the first page of Google under his name is extremely damaging, and cause for immediate action.  We ask your assistance, and your kindness in this matter.  We are requesting that you simply remove the articles before any further action is needed:

Please respond to this address to confirm your removal of the articles below:

[link removed because this a-hole is threatening to sue me over it]
OK. Reasonable lady that I am and reading the email on my BlackBerry at the time, I was more than willing to check out what the SEC had to say. I even offered Chris the opportunity to have his client present his story on JDA. Not once did he offer up the financials for me to check out independent of the SEC so I could write up a glowing story about how awesome they were. Little exists on the Internet today about any action in the last few years since the April 2009 allegations surfaced. In fact, Hedgeho is talking about how great the IPorn acquisition is today:

Koenig has a good track record: The New World Partners hedge fund, where he was a managing director, posted double- and triple-digit returns through the late ’90s – and he thinks similar returns are possible with porn. His funds are set up like any venture capital fund and will invest in a range of businesses, with a portion of each earmarked for buying and running strip clubs.

The overarching strategy is to take majority stakes in businesses that AdultVest will then help manage and consolidate. Koenig won’t say how close he is to raising the total $110 million, but to help the sell, he and his team won’t charge any performance fee until the funds return 100 percent.

“There’s never been big money from the outside,” says Paul Fishbein, president of the leading porn trade tracker, AVN Publications, about the industry. “It’s a logical next step.”
So who cares if there's some old story lingering around on the Internet? Shit happens. He could have simply emailed me to request an edit based on the SEC letter I was not aware of in the three years since I wrote that post but the issue is that this guy has hounded me to fully remove the post and implied that I'm a catty bitch out to get his client. Please. I don't care about Francis Koenig. I wish him all the best.

Once I finally opened the SEC letter, I found more of a shrug off than an actual exoneration.

I didn't know a good way to break this to Chris so I let it go knowing he didn't have a case. I didn't care to investigate myself with the SEC further at the time but now that this guy is threatening me if I didn't remove my post, I have no choice but to FOIA the shit out of whatever they found. I wasn't defaming his client, I was writing based on information I believed to be reliable at the time and making dick jokes. Why come after a fringe financial blog three years after the fact when big guys like Business Insider still had that shit up on their sites? Well he didn't like that. I got the following email tonight:


It has been nearly a month since our last communication. I have given you ample time to remove the damaging article aimed at my client Francis Koenig. 

I have advised you in writing that this article is outrageous, entirely untrue, and slanderous. I have provided you with evidence showing my client has been cleared. Yet you continue to display this article on your website. 

Your article starts by saying Koenig left Wall Street to "skeeze on the potential in alternative investments" and then references Bernie Madoff as a comparison! These are your baseless and egregious words. 

Your acknowledgement of my prior notice is clear and undeniable evidence of your awareness of the harm your article is causing my client;  Your actions in writing the article;  The ample time I have provided you to remove this article;  And your failure to remove the article after having been advised of the real and punitive damages this article is causing, is further evidence of your intent to continue to harm my client. 

I have advised you of my intention to proceed with both real and punitive damages to the fullest extent. 

I am now writing to inform you that we are preparing to file a lawsuit which will name you personally, your website, and your company, along with others who have also received my warning notice and have failed to take action. 

I am further advising you that your continued failure to remove the article will provide us with continued evidence of your intention to damage my client, and such failure will continue to add to the costs and damages which you have already caused. We intend to pursue these damages to the fullest extent available.

My client did nothing illegal nor unethical to deserve any of this and we are now prepared to stop at nothing to eradicate these outlandish statements. The wheels are now in motion and I assure you this is not a road you want to go down. Had you simply cooperated, you, your company, and your website would not have been named in this lawsuit.

Now, I tried to explain in my response that "skeezing" was a compliment and that I meant no harm. I have removed the post in question because honestly I don't have time for a lawsuit and have cats to feed that are way more important than this but wanted to make it known that I would publish his communications because the Internet will not back down and be threatened into submission. It's fair game, he wrote it. He should have asked for a correction, instead he threatened me with a lawsuit if I didn't make the post go away. He's pretty much bought his client an even bigger headache because now he's crossed me and I have no choice but to investigate the AdultVest matter fully, including pulling in whatever SEC sources I can gather and additional information that wasn't plastered on mainstream media. Sorry, bro, nothing personal, you asked for it. Is he also going after the forum posters slamming his client? Can he make them go away too?

Should have just let it go. Don't tell me what roads I do or do not want to go down, dude, I am all good with my path.

Oh and still waiting for your California bar number, Chris, I believe you have my email. And you still have an opportunity to send me all the AdultVest financials so I can take a look and write up that glowing review. If your client has nothing to hide, I suspect you'll happily take me up on the offer. An innocent misunderstanding and slander are two different things. Wouldn't it have been easier to politely ask me to take it down and try to get me to write up a nice little blurb about IPorn? Too late for that now, I guess.


Hurricane Sandy Pics From Richmond!

So I decided to venture out in my Richmond hood this afternoon and grab a few shots of the Hurricane Sandy mayhem which really isn't mayhem at all. So far so good, the James River floodwall is holding and no windows have gotten blown out at my second favorite Fed bank so let's hope that keeps up through all this.

I was able to make a store run earlier and it really doesn't seem that bad. My friends up north are reporting power outages and other scary shit like that so I'm grateful to be in confederate country right about now.

Here's what I managed to grab from the western end of the James River floodwall:

See the full set of my little trip up the Old Manchester side of the James River floodwall on Flickr if you're interested. But don't worry about JDA and her furry cat crew, looks like we'll be fine here.


Because I Love You: Another Jr Deputy Accountant Hurricane Survival Guide

Saturday, October 27, 2012 2 Comments

So apparently there's a big storm headed straight for my spoiled California ass now residing in Richmond and I'm preparing as best I can. I have a few more cats than I did when Irene was supposed to ruin our lives so there's that to think of but if I've learned anything from my two years out east it's that hurricane prep is always the same: FREAK OUT and hope the lights stay on.

Maybe it's a DC thing but idiots freak out and clean the shelves of chicken breast, eggs and milk as if that will help at all in the event of mass power outages. Morons. I've got a 3 pound bag of Craisins and some canned tamales to get me through but the important thing is to BE PREPARED. Here's my hurricane survival kit*:

*Note I drank a lot of this already last night. Oops. Don't do that, you'll need to pace yourself in the event of an emergency.

You don't really need much more than alcohol in a hurricane unless you can get your hands on a warm body to grope and maybe some illicit substances if that's your thing. I'll be making some Jello shots later today just in case and since they don't keep without refrigeration, I might have to take one for the team and gobble them all down. Oh well. My go-to Jello shot recipe is the espresso martini, especially if I won't be able to brew a pot of hot coffee for a few days.

It is equally important to head to higher ground. My cats have this figured out.

Buck is from DC and Cheddar is from New York so even though they're too young to have lived through big ones, they get it. I take my cue from them.

Now, in a bad storm, it's also important to have the appropriate shelter. Our cardboard Canadian Cat Cabin probably won't withstand high winds and pounding rain but don't tell Cash that.

You should be nice and stocked up before the storm hits but just in case you have to go out there, the right footwear is critical. Remember, just because the world is ending doesn't mean you have a pass to be a slob and not look good. I go for zebra myself but feel free to get creative.

Now, my Irene tips still hold true here. Take a nice hot shower just before the storm hits so you're shaved, clean and soft. You might end up having to grope yourself in the dark for a couple days so it's important to be hot enough to want to touch yourself. Use up all your hot water, it's not like you'll have it any time soon.

If you plan to stay drunk through this thing, have at least a gallon of water for every 6 pack on hand. This is very important because you might be hungover on day 2 and without access to hot coffee, you're going to want a nice tall glass of water. As long as you have enough wet cat food to keep the cats happy, you don't really have to worry about your cats trying to drink your precious water so go ahead and get a 48 pack of cat food cans just in case. In a state of emergency, the cats will be the first to cut you out of panic so be sure they are taken care of before you care of yourself.

Grab yourself some lovely 3-wick candles from Bath & Body Works and plenty of AA batteries so you can hide out in your safe warm Lair, get drunk and spend some quality time with yourself without the distractions of TV and Internet and running water. I prefer the Mahogany Teakwood scent myself but hey, this is your storm, do your thing.

Fill the tub with ice early so you can keep your beers cold, there's nothing as gross as warm beer in an emergency. When we're talking Snowmaggedon you can always use the snow to cool your brew but this time of year, it's important to make sure you have a cooling source for your precious hoppy nectar.

For the love of God, CHARGE EVERY DEVICE YOU HAVE. I made this mistake when I suffered through my first DC snowstorm and didn't have a phone for two whole days as my car went into the shop the afternoon the snow started and I didn't see her again until it was all over. Just in case, I've got the iPods, iPad, BlackBerry, MacBook and Nintendo DS sucking up that precious power juice from Dominion now. God forbid I have to read a fucking book when this shit hits, I might even have to read the copy of An Inconvenient Book I bought as a joke from the thrift store. On that note, download a bunch of apps that will keep you busy without an Internet connection because if your router loses power, you're going to be feigning for Facebook and it will be hard.

Make a great last meal just in case you won't be able to eat well for a few days. I recommend Raging Bitch baja fish tacos, which is what I enjoyed last night. And if the power doesn't go out, order pizza. It'll be funny watching the pizza guy trudge to your front door through a hurricane.

Lastly, stay in the house and just wait it out. Seriously, you've got beer, food, backup Jello shots, warm cats and sexy candles. Why go outside?

Stay safe out there, my fellow east coast friends. And please, stop fucking buying chicken ahead of a storm, that's just stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

In all seriousness, keep an eye on the storm and stock up on the important stuff just in case. Maybe everyone is overreacting but just in case they aren't, be sure you have at least 3 days worth of food and water on hand (including for your pets!), plenty of batteries, a battery-operated radio and a first-aid kit in the house. Hopefully your pets are already microchipped just in case they get out, don't hesitate to lock them in a bathroom if you have to. X out your windows with duct tape and move your furniture to the middle of the room if you have to. And all the other blah blah important hurricane stuff you already should know.

See you bitches on the other side!


Zimbabwe Ben Is Going To Pull Out Way Before The Fed Even Considers It

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, bro!

Via Dealbook:
Ben Bernanke, the Federal Reserve chairman, is likely to need a successor, too. If Mitt Romney wins the presidency, he has already pledged he will replace Mr. Bernanke, whose term as chairman ends in January 2014, in just over 15 months. However, Mr. Bernanke has told close friends that even if Mr. Obama wins, he probably will not stand for re-election.
Note the perfect timing: the FOMC has consistently pushed off their vague "pull out" date over the years, most recently arriving at this "at least through mid-2015" figure that basically says to me "when Satan ice skates to work" because we all know they can't get out. But Bernanke can!

Really I don't blame the guy. It's a crappy job. He gets all the blame and really had no idea what he was getting into when he took the job before the shit hit the fan.

Hopefully he will find a nice community college to teach at where he can best utilize his skills by explaining how textbook economic systems work to adult learners in night classes.


For Once, the Most Ridiculous Thing at a Joe Biden Rally Wasn't Joe Biden #Foward

It's just so good you can't make it up.

Perhaps the t-shirt company that made these "Foward" t-shirts was conservative-owned and set on sabotage? How perfect that these two women ended up front and center. What genius put them there?!

Via Twitchy:

If this is forward, I want no part of it tyvm.


A Big Gushing Thank YOU on Jr Deputy Accountant's 4th Birthday

Sunday, October 21, 2012 3 Comments

 A JDA original. NO JOB? NO PROBLEM!
(p.s. I still have Stop Bernanke bumper stickers - email me if you need one)

Well well, Jr Deputy Accountant is another year older and no wiser as of today and I want to take this opportunity to once again thank YOU for sticking it out with me all this time. FOUR MORE YEARS! How the hell did we pull this off?

Fans come and go, some of you have remained loyal (almost obsessively so) and cheer me on even when I'm being a recluse or a rambling drunk while still others can barely bring themselves to check in once a day and the rest subscribe to the mailing list for one clever post and bail after the first sign of my big mouth spouting off one offensive thing or another. The fact remains, I appreciate each and every one of you for caring at all.

When I started this site four years ago, I never imagined it would become what it is today. Hell, I never imagined I'd still care this much four years later. Sure, I'm not exactly mainstream and likely never will be but Accounting Today named me one of their 10 Worth Watching last year, I'm apparently the 20th most influential blogger in the financial blogosphere right there with some of my heroes like Max Keiser and Naked Capitalism, I get to lobby Congress with CPAs once a year despite being a clear enemy to everyone on the Hill and I still get to spout off about the stuff that is important to me without worrying that any of you will judge me. That means a lot. More than any of you could ever know.

You all have been with me through two big moves, the addition of several cats to my home, craploads of bank failures, a few big financial scandals and more stupid Fed moves than I could count. This has been such a wild ride and I still have to pinch myself to be lucky enough to write about this instead of... I don't know, what the hell would I write about if I didn't have this? Cats? I don't even know.

So thank you for giving me one more year. Thank you for sticking with me when I get all jaded and disappear. Thank you for not berating me for run on sentences or inappropriate use of parentheses or excessive F bomb dropping. Thank you for cheering me on when I left California for the Dictatorship of Columbia. Thank you for coming back day after day, hour after hour, and making me feel not so alone in this big scary fucked up world of ours. Thank you for the comments - even the shitty ones - and the emails that remind me I'm not the only one who feels this way. When the shit really hits the fan (I'm still waiting), all we have is each other and it feels wonderful to know I'm among like-minded folks scattered all across the world.

My words pounded out four years ago still ring true today: "If no one's reading, I might as well not be writing. That part is pretty simple, no? And if I'm not saying anything worth reading, why should I expect anyone to read it?" Why indeed.

Huge thanks as always due to Michael Panzner, Skeptical CPA and WC Varones for cheering me on at the start of this crazy ride. Were it not for your support at the very beginning, I might have given up years ago.

Just know I love you all. From the crazy CEOs trying to ruin my life because of the mean but true things I write about their shitty companies to the media conglomerates who took a chance on a mouthy girl from Wisconsin so I could fund my extravagant lifestyle by writing about this crap for a living to the loyal albeit sometimes stalkery fanbase and even those who have dropped off along the way... I love each and every one of you and wouldn't be who I am today without having shared all of this with you. Thanks for that. Seriously.

Four more years! At least. I have this shit registered through 2015 at least, might as well make the most of it before the bottom drops out.


Next Up: Your Friendly Neighborhood Drone Patrol

pic via: Funny or Die

Stay inside, kids, this could get ugly:
The CIA has urged the White House to boost the agency's armed drone fleet to fight new North Africa al-Qaida threats, U.S. officials told The Washington Post.

The request by CIA Director David H. Petraeus for up to 10 remotely piloted drones would strengthen Washington's ability to stop the growth of an increasingly aggressive al-Qaida affiliate known as al-Qaida in the Islamic Maghreb, White House officials said.

The insurgency group, based in the landlocked West Africa country of Mali, seeks to overthrow the neighboring Algerian government and institute an Islamic state.

U.S. spy agencies have linked the group, which has declared its intention to attack U.S. targets, to the deadly Sept. 11 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya. But officials have not said it was involved in the attack.
So, uh, the attack had nothing to do with the fact that Hillary Clinton and her merry band of NATO shit-disturbers basically set up Ghaddafi to be sodomized, murdered and dragged through the street like some kind of sick trophy? Yeah, I'm sure the attack on the Consulate had nothing to do with that. Just as sure as I am that FURTHER interference in international affairs in the form of drones will solve it.

The very reasonable question I still want an answer to is how come it's terrorism when people do it to us but it's not terrorism when we do it to them? Firebombing entire villages from the comfort of a chair in Nevada using a joystick isn't exactly playing nice now is it?

Do terrorists exist? Sure. Are they a threat? Probably. Do we need to kill innocent women and children with drones to get them? HELL NO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! That makes about as much sense as drone striking an entire ghetto filled with decent but low income people who can't get a break to shit because four crack dealers lived in the projects contained therein.

I am anything but a terrorist sympathizer. If I were, I'd be 100% behind the idea of the US adding a whole fleet of drones to burn that shit down just to get a few bad guys. Terrorism - in ANY form - is fucked up. It's especially fucked up when the American people are expected to pay for it.

See where I'm going with this?


The Guy Who Tried to Blow up NY Fed Didn't Act Alone After All, The Feds Helped Him

Well well. In my rush to get a post on the suspected NY Fed terror plot up earlier this afternoon, I was unable to gather any more details except that some dude wanted to blow up the Fed and he got caught. Guess what? He was not "acting alone" as the initial NBC 4 New York story claimed. He had help... from the fucking FBI.

Here's what USA Today has to say:

Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, 21, was taken into custody after assembling and attempting to detonate what he believed to be components for a 1,000-pound bomb that had been provided by undercover federal agents, USA TODAY's Kevin Johnson reports, citing court documents.

The materials were rendered inoperable and posed no public safety threat.

Nafis, a native of Bangladesh, allegedly traveled to the United States with the express purpose of forming a "terrorist cell'' and launching an attack, the records show.

"Unbeknownst to Nafis, one of the individuals he attempted to recruit was actually a source for the FBI,'' the documents state.
OK wait let me make sure I have this... this supposed "terrorist" was a 21 year old kid who tried to recruit some FBI tool to help launch his clearly sophisticated terror plot to blow up the NYSE or maybe the NY Fed or pretty much anything he could find to blow up? OOOOH I'm skerred!
Nafis arrived in the United States in January and sought recruits, saying he had overseas connections to al-Qaeda, the criminal complaint says. One person he contacted was an FBI source.

The FBI says Nafis proposed several targets, including a high-ranking U.S. official and the New York Stock Exchange, before settling on the New York Fed. The FBI does not identify the official.

The FBI says Nafis wrote a statement intended to claim responsibility for the bombing, saying that he "wanted to 'destroy America' and that he believed the most efficient way to accomplish this goal was to target America's economy," the FBI states. Nafis also included quotations from "our beloved Sheikh Osama bin Laden" to justify the expected deaths of women and children.
Seriously? Does this guy realize ole CIA asset Osama bin Laden more likely died from natural causes years before Obama hit national teevee to brag about how we slaughtered that bitch and tossed him in the ocean before anyone could actually prove it? Come on, man.

I can't believe people actually fall for this obvious entrapment. "Yeah, man, listen, I'm gonna give you 1,000 lbs of bomb in a van and let's TOTALLY BLOW SOME SHIT UP OMG!" Seriously, how dumb are these "terrorists" the FBI finds? And where the hell do they find these tools? Is this really the best use of their resources? Clearly if someone is stupid enough to get set up by a dud bomb in an FBI van, they aren't much of a threat to begin with. What are they doing, posting on the Terrorists.com message board for explosives and accomplices?

Frankly I don't feel any safer knowing this loser is off the streets tonight. I mean the fact that he said he had links to the make believe Al-Qaeda should have pretty much proven what a wanna-be loser he is, that's like 14 year old white boys from the suburbs calling themselves Bloods. THUG LIFE!

Meh. Back to your regularly scheduled programming, folks.


Some Idiot Got Busted Trying to Blow Up the NY Fed

DUDE. You are doing this ALL wrong. Take it from someone who has been very literally sleeping with the enemy for almost four years: you can accomplish far more by being nice, kind, loving and cuddly than you can being a psycho with a bomb strapped to your chest. I enjoy pithy email exchanges with Fed executives I'm not sleeping with because I always maintain professionalism, End the Fed sticker on my car's bumper aside. There's a right way and a wrong way and this guy's method is clearly very wrong:
NBC 4 New York has learned that federal authorities have arrested a man they say was plotting to attack the Federal Reserve in New York City.

The man is in custody in New York. Sources tell NBC 4 New York that he lives on Long Island.

Law enforcement officials stress that the plot was a sting operation monitored by the FBI and NYPD and the public was never at risk.

Sources say the suspect was acting alone.

YOU TOOL! I mean really, what were you going to do, bomb the Fed? Please, how pedestrian. Instead, you could enjoy the good life, get laid, have an unlimited supply of Fed shred plus a great collection of Fed shwag and accept that the best you can do is try to dismantle the machine by delivering information to the unwashed masses, not violence. Come on, how stupid are you?!

For the record, JDA is a lover not a fighter. Clearly. I'm all about getting this done with love and intellect, not force. I mean I may force myself on my poor unsuspecting Fed boyfriend but surely he knows it's coming or he wouldn't keep coming over to my house.



Good Comrades Go To Heaven

Facebook can be both wonderful and terrifying but tonight it reminded me that despite our differences, it's good to have some different opinions littering up your newsfeed. If all your "friends" agree with you, you're probably the type who is afraid to leave the house and believes Obama is really some kind of diabolical Muslim sent here to inject Islam into the Constitution. Love him or hate him, that is just ridiculous. The guy might be a tool but he sure isn't some Islamic Antichrist sent here to erase God from America. God gave up on us a long time ago, come on now.

Personally, I appreciate my socialist friends. They remind me that I was raised by Democrats. I went to a suburban Madison middle school where Russ Feingold's promises to the people of Wisconsin were clearly written on his garage door across the street from our school's entrance. Disregard that his poor daughter Jessica had to go to the same school every day where Daddy's defaced garage door stood clear as day reminding her that she could never fit in with the rest of us suburban Madison brats shuffling in with our Starter jackets and JanSport backpacks. And never mind that I spent most of that time skipping school to play my guitar downtown on State Street for spare change.

In the final months of his life, my 80-some-year-old diehard Democrat grandfather sat in front of CNN with me bitching about how fake all of it was and I'll always treasure that time we spent together appreciating each other's viewpoints as adults. You see, the worst thing you could be in my family was a Republican, so when I registered as one in California just to have a say in the primary, I might as well have said FUCK YOU to my grandmother's beautiful face right to it at that (thankfully I was a few thousand miles away from her at the time and she couldn't slap me in the face). Fuck all the times she applied her hairdresser wisdom to my overprocessed bleached hair to make it blue because I would just "screw it up" without a professional, fuck all the times she got me out of sticky situations, fuck all the lovely French toast breakfasts she cooked me because she loved me... Of all the terrible things I did as a teenager, there was no greater offense than turning R. I wasn't really a Republican - how could I be coming from a very common Midwestern middle class family - but I believed more in limited government and limited regulation than my very Democrat upbringing said I should. And for that, I should have been shunned. But they never did, and it's a testament to the kind of people they were that my grandpa sat there spending some of his final weeks with me mocking the talking heads on CNN for their obvious nonsense. Those are the kind of people I come from. The kind of people you can thank for what you see on this website today. The people who cheered me on to be what I was supposed to be, even if it meant going against the things they believed. My grandparents never gave up on me, even when they maybe should have.

Both grandparents of mine lived through the Depression. My grandpa joined the Marines at the tail end of WWII and missed the fun. My grandma insisted we needed another New Deal and I never told her otherwise. Maybe we did. Maybe we needed something to polarize us as Americans. What they lived through I could never understand as a broke kid of the 80s who still managed to eat and squeeze a Nintendo out of my mom at 8. I distinctly remember being curled up on the futon in the living room of our tiny Madison apartment at 9 praying to God I'd get the New Kids on the Block earrings I wanted. I never did. In fact, I didn't get anything that year.

At the time, it broke little 9 year old me. All these years later, though, I realize how much those lean years helped me stay disconnected from the machine of capitalism. Who cares if you have anything at all when you have nothing? You don't. You crave it. You see your middle school friends with it. You resent it. But then one day, you emerge from all of it an adult and realize that none of it really matters and you're above it all because you fought for every single bit you call your own, promises to the people of Wisconsin aside.

So thanks, Russ Feingold and empty teenage idols for giving me who I am now. I couldn't appreciate everything I've been lucky enough to call my own without you all.

I've lost the love of my life to cancer at 31, my mother and both loyal Democrat grandparents by now so trust me, I realize that the "stuff" means nothing at all. It's not about what you had, it's about who you were and what you did with what you were given. I'd like to picture all of them looking down now saying "go, just go, we believe in you."

Good comrades go to heaven. And even if you aren't a comrade, know that someone up there is looking down on you proud that you're fighting the good fight when they can't, even if it means fighting battles they might not. I have no reason to believe the long line of Democrats from which I come would be ashamed by who I am today. Even if I vote for Gary Johnson in November. Because all they wanted was for me to be smart enough to make my own choices in this big scary world of ours.


Panem et Circenses

Ever wonder what you might be missing while you're watching professional actors parading on stage confirming what you already believe in the form of "debates" that are really no more "real" than the staged adventures of the Kardashians? If not, what the fuck are you doing on my website? Aren't you missing a Real Housewives reunion or something?





Elephant, donkey, it's all the same, both leave a steaming pile of shit in their wake.

Wake the fuck up, assholes. I'm not going to keep telling you this forever.


So It Comes to This: Chase ATMs in NY Dispense Fake Money

OK OK, that headline is a little misleading. You see, some ATM-servicing employee (not employed by JPM) decided taking REAL money and swapping it with horribly bad FAKE money would be a good idea.

Nearly $110,000 in counterfeit bills were discovered at two Chase ATM's in Midtown on Monday.

According to police, the forged bills were detected at the bank's branches on West 57th Street and on Ninth Avenue by an alarm monitoring for counterfeit money. They were also easily distinguishable as fake because they only had printing on one side of the bills.
A JP Morgan Chase spokesperson said "We are working to get all the facts and don’t want to come to any conclusions too early. Obviously, all of our customers who withdrew money will be made whole." We believe them because we know what a commitment Chase has to the sanctity of the dollar. In all seriousness, in the year or so I banked with them I had zero issues and would have continued as a loyal customer had there been Chase banks out in DC after I left California. Yeah, sacrilege, I know, don't hate me, I have nothing against them when it comes to the customer-bank relationship part. The rest of it, however, I could live without but how the hell is a girl supposed to pay her bills without opting in to the evil cabal? I did it for 5 years and let me tell you, it isn't easy nor cheap.

The funniest part of the whole thing, of course, is that even "real" money is "fake" money but shhh, let's not go there.


Good News For the English Majors Out There

Hey new grads! Wishing you hadn't double majored in underwater basketweaving and Greek mythology now that you're hitting the job market and realizing an English degree is just a fancy way to say Starbucks barista in this shitty economy?

Worry not, there's hope yet. Have you considered scarecrowing with a ukelele? This dude is doing it. It's great... low stress, free uniforms and come on, your parents will be so proud to hear you're putting their money to good use by spending your days in a field serenading pesky birds with cowbells and accordions.

"I don't want to be a scarecrow forever but it is giving me time to decide what I will do with my future," said 22-year-old Jamie Fox, who studied music and English at Bangor University.

Now, in a normal economy, the four years you spend in college is the time when you're supposed to decide what to do with your life but hey, these aren't normal times right!

Get it, son! Mom and Dad must be so proud.


Obama May Approve This Ad But the Real Owners of Sesame Street Don't

There is no denying the ad below is hilarious but the Obama campaign may have wanted to get permission from Sesame Workshop - the folks who've kept Big Bird in a job all these years thanks to those big fat government payouts Mitt Romney wants to stop - as they've now taken to their own site to ask nicely.

Everyone remember the Sesame Street episode that taught us about sharing? That doesn't necessarily apply to intellectual property, and sharing only works if both parties are willing.

"Sesame Workshop is a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization and we do not endorse candidates or participate in political campaigns," they wrote on their website. "We have approved no campaign ads, and, as is our general practice, have requested that both campaigns remove Sesame Street characters and trademarks from their campaign materials."

So what's the big deal? Romney's campaign (allegedly) steals fonts from designers and Obama's co-opts idols of 5 year olds everywhere. Isn't that just another day in American politics?

Besides, Obama using Big Bird's likeness in an ad is sort of like how he bought all that meat from drought-stricken farmers, he's got the full faith and credit of the United States behind him, why not use it while he has it to throw around? Doesn't Big Bird owe him? Never mind that he didn't build that!


Big Bird Taught Me Everything I Know About Manufactured Outrage

Remember how Snuffy just didn't give a shit about Big Bird's neuroses? That's how I feel about Mitt Romney's PBS comment.

Instead of writing some long rant about how silly the whole thing is and how many straw men both supporters and enemies of Romney are battling on Facebook as we speak even though this is old news, let's just slap a meme on this bitch and call it done.

You're welcome, Internet. Share freely, attribution would be rad but I'm not picky.


We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

Sunday, October 07, 2012 0 Comments

In case you haven't noticed, I've been quiet lately. My bad. Between moving from DC to Richmond, starting an exciting new reporting gig the day after hauling all my crap down to Richmond and somehow managing to keep up with my daily column on Going Concern despite there being no accounting news except Mitt Romney's tax returns, I also took a short little 15 hour trip in the car to save a young cat from the NYC Animal Care & Control kill list and raised $500 for the Colon Cancer Alliance DC Undy 5000 so, you know, there was that. Safe to say I haven't had much time to keep up with this beautiful little thing called Jr Deputy Accountant.

But I haven't given up. The cat is on the mend and on the hunt for her forever home, the fabulous new Richmond apartment with a view of the Richmond Fed so I can keep an eye on those fuckers is just about unpacked and Lord knows the economy is still jacked up so there's definitely still plenty to write about.

So, if you've given up on me, now's the time to come back. I'm still here, still pissed off and still sick of this shit more than ever.

See you kids bright and early Monday morning for some good old fashioned JDA pot-stirring, eh?

Oh and housewarming gifts may be sent CC: JDA using the PayPal donate button on the right. I've got all the kitchen gadgets I need but seeing as how I have this great view of the Fed, binoculars might be nice. Or a neon End the Fed sign to put in my window. You see where I'm going with this.