Because I Love You: Another Jr Deputy Accountant Hurricane Survival Guide

So apparently there's a big storm headed straight for my spoiled California ass now residing in Richmond and I'm preparing as best I can. I have a few more cats than I did when Irene was supposed to ruin our lives so there's that to think of but if I've learned anything from my two years out east it's that hurricane prep is always the same: FREAK OUT and hope the lights stay on.

Maybe it's a DC thing but idiots freak out and clean the shelves of chicken breast, eggs and milk as if that will help at all in the event of mass power outages. Morons. I've got a 3 pound bag of Craisins and some canned tamales to get me through but the important thing is to BE PREPARED. Here's my hurricane survival kit*:


*Note I drank a lot of this already last night. Oops. Don't do that, you'll need to pace yourself in the event of an emergency.

You don't really need much more than alcohol in a hurricane unless you can get your hands on a warm body to grope and maybe some illicit substances if that's your thing. I'll be making some Jello shots later today just in case and since they don't keep without refrigeration, I might have to take one for the team and gobble them all down. Oh well. My go-to Jello shot recipe is the espresso martini, especially if I won't be able to brew a pot of hot coffee for a few days.

It is equally important to head to higher ground. My cats have this figured out.


Buck is from DC and Cheddar is from New York so even though they're too young to have lived through big ones, they get it. I take my cue from them.

Now, in a bad storm, it's also important to have the appropriate shelter. Our cardboard Canadian Cat Cabin probably won't withstand high winds and pounding rain but don't tell Cash that.


You should be nice and stocked up before the storm hits but just in case you have to go out there, the right footwear is critical. Remember, just because the world is ending doesn't mean you have a pass to be a slob and not look good. I go for zebra myself but feel free to get creative.


Now, my Irene tips still hold true here. Take a nice hot shower just before the storm hits so you're shaved, clean and soft. You might end up having to grope yourself in the dark for a couple days so it's important to be hot enough to want to touch yourself. Use up all your hot water, it's not like you'll have it any time soon.

If you plan to stay drunk through this thing, have at least a gallon of water for every 6 pack on hand. This is very important because you might be hungover on day 2 and without access to hot coffee, you're going to want a nice tall glass of water. As long as you have enough wet cat food to keep the cats happy, you don't really have to worry about your cats trying to drink your precious water so go ahead and get a 48 pack of cat food cans just in case. In a state of emergency, the cats will be the first to cut you out of panic so be sure they are taken care of before you care of yourself.

Grab yourself some lovely 3-wick candles from Bath & Body Works and plenty of AA batteries so you can hide out in your safe warm Lair, get drunk and spend some quality time with yourself without the distractions of TV and Internet and running water. I prefer the Mahogany Teakwood scent myself but hey, this is your storm, do your thing.

Fill the tub with ice early so you can keep your beers cold, there's nothing as gross as warm beer in an emergency. When we're talking Snowmaggedon you can always use the snow to cool your brew but this time of year, it's important to make sure you have a cooling source for your precious hoppy nectar.

For the love of God, CHARGE EVERY DEVICE YOU HAVE. I made this mistake when I suffered through my first DC snowstorm and didn't have a phone for two whole days as my car went into the shop the afternoon the snow started and I didn't see her again until it was all over. Just in case, I've got the iPods, iPad, BlackBerry, MacBook and Nintendo DS sucking up that precious power juice from Dominion now. God forbid I have to read a fucking book when this shit hits, I might even have to read the copy of An Inconvenient Book I bought as a joke from the thrift store. On that note, download a bunch of apps that will keep you busy without an Internet connection because if your router loses power, you're going to be feigning for Facebook and it will be hard.

Make a great last meal just in case you won't be able to eat well for a few days. I recommend Raging Bitch baja fish tacos, which is what I enjoyed last night. And if the power doesn't go out, order pizza. It'll be funny watching the pizza guy trudge to your front door through a hurricane.

Lastly, stay in the house and just wait it out. Seriously, you've got beer, food, backup Jello shots, warm cats and sexy candles. Why go outside?

Stay safe out there, my fellow east coast friends. And please, stop fucking buying chicken ahead of a storm, that's just stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

In all seriousness, keep an eye on the storm and stock up on the important stuff just in case. Maybe everyone is overreacting but just in case they aren't, be sure you have at least 3 days worth of food and water on hand (including for your pets!), plenty of batteries, a battery-operated radio and a first-aid kit in the house. Hopefully your pets are already microchipped just in case they get out, don't hesitate to lock them in a bathroom if you have to. X out your windows with duct tape and move your furniture to the middle of the room if you have to. And all the other blah blah important hurricane stuff you already should know.

See you bitches on the other side!

2 comments:

sheeps said...

sounds like a good time..sans the cats...I will be flying form Cali tomorrow.

Chris said...

Batten down the hatches, guys. You're not allowed to have anything bad gapped until I get a chance to meet TLP.