Confirmed: the Fed is a Crack Addict

As a person who has quit smoking some 156 umpteen times, I can totes relate to this statement by NY Fed President William Dudley, who I still feel is a total hack douche. But that's irrelevant.

Leading up to an attempt to stop smoking, I naturally smoke my ass off. Once, in my first winter in DC, our power went out while my nicotine patches were wearing off and of course freezing my ass off in the dark with my cat, the first thing I thought was "FUCK, I NEED TO GET TO 7-11 AND GET SOME FUCKING CAMELS" so that was exactly what I did because 7-11 had power and DAMNIT I needed a cigarette.

Anyway, his remarks about exceptional Fed "accommodations" is pretty much like a straight up dope fiend shooting as much dope as they can the night before they check into rehab. If you don't understand that comparison, hit up Charlie Sheen and he can help you.
The Federal Reserve must for now continue to push hard against threats to the U.S. recovery, but should still be able to reduce its support for the economy later this year, an influential central bank policymaker said on Monday.
LOL. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Why is the Fed so involved if everything is totally fucking rosy?!
"We must push against these headwinds forcefully to best achieve our objectives," Dudley, a consistent policy dove and a permanent voting member of the central bank's monetary policy committee, said at Fordham University.
Dude, are you really that stupid? Even I get it and I'm far from an economist (of course, maybe that's why I get it). Headwinds? Try monsoon, you moron.

Dudley said on Monday that framework "is still very much intact." He noted that, back in June, Bernanke did not specify the first reduction to QE would come in September, and that it would be dependent on economic data.

Any reduction in QE must be based on the most recent measures of economic health, Dudley said, arguing that two requirements have not yet been met: evidence the labor market has improved and confidence that those gains will continue.

"I'd like to see economic news that makes me more confident that we will see continued improvement in the labor market," Dudley said. "Then I would feel comfortable that the time had come to cut the pace of asset purchases."

Give me a break. Admit it, already, there is no way out. Accepting you have a problem is the first step, after all, you fucking monetary dope fiend.


What My Cat Dying Taught Me About Living

Tuesday, September 24, 2013 0 Comments

Hard lesson to come by, but it sure puts everything into perspective.


Goodbye, BooBoo Kitty

Thursday, September 19, 2013 2 Comments

My mother's cat has told me it's time for her to leave this world. After nearly 17 years, which is almost half of my life.

As if losing my mom a few years back wasn't enough, I now have to let her beloved cat go. Lucky for both of us, I was able to take the cat in after my mom died and bring her along on my adventure from California to DC and beyond. Here we are in some shitty Iowa hotel room on our way to DC with everything we owned stuffed in my car:

I will miss you more than you ever know, BooBoo, but it has been such an honor to know you for half my life, and to spend these final years with you.

I love you, sweet girl, and I have no doubt my mom is waiting there on the other side ready to take your paw and hear you tell how much fun we've had together these last few years.

Run free, beautiful girl, and thank you so much for being such a light in this world.

I dedicate a song to you our pal my mom once dedicated to me on a mix CD (the kids might not know what a "CD" is, that's cool, BooBoo was born back in 1996 before there were even MP3s OMG imagine the thought).

Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always 

Did you know that true love asks for nothing?

See you on the other side, dear girl. Save me a spot.


Five People Who Could Head Up the Fed Better Than Janet Yellen

My earlier expressed opinion on why Janet Yellen is the best woman for the job of Fed chair aside, I've been thinking about this in light of Larry Summers' brave decision to withdraw his name from a job no one was going to give him anyway and thought, since I'm not yellin' for Yellen, maybe I can be helpful and suggest some alternatives.

Here are five people I think could do a better job than Janet:

The "Get a Brain Morans" Guy

First of all, this guy is clearly a patriot, so he will have the country's best interests in mind as he makes complicated economic choices that can change the entire world forever. Second, it's doubtful that he has any sticky complicated conflicts of interest as it clear he's probably never even been in an actual bank, let alone done dealings with the high ups of one. So you can rest assured he will regulate banks like Goldman Sachs with an non-conflicty hand (unless you count his juvenile laughter every time someone in the room says "Sachs").

Ron Popeil

Ron Popeil is a fucking genius. PLUS, as Fed Chairman, he'll be able to slice the massive Fed balance sheet into 5 easy payments of $99,999,999,999.99. But wait, there's more! Swear him in in the next 10 minutes and he will throw in a free food dehydrator.

Jerry Springer

Though the Chairman of the Fed should be relatively scandal-free, you have to admit it takes a real bad ass to bounce a check on the services of a prostitute while you are mayor and still get re-elected. Plus, can you just imagine what FOMC meetings would look like with Springer running the show? I would pay money to see that.

Frederic Mishkin

Is this assclown even still invited to the Fed? I admit suggesting Mishkin as Fed chair only serves one purpose: my entertainment. He is shady, scandalous and really easy to make fun of, which would make my job for the next few years even easier than it's been with Helicopter Ben.

Oprah Winfrey

Do I even have to explain why I'd like to see Oprah as Fed Chair? SHE IS FREAKING OPRAH. Not only is she black AND a woman -- knocking out two diversity jackpots in one amazing human being -- she's filthy rich and probably wants to stay that way so she will probably do a great job of protecting her 1% share of our dollars. Besides, she likes giving away free stuff, so any time housing markets tank, she can just give out houses and all our problems are solved. WIN.

Someone please get the Obama administration on this immediately, thanks.


Don't You Say That About Janet...

Janet Yellen is not a liberal radical, she is a revolutionary!

Relax, people, it's cool. The feminists will have their way (they only like Janet because she is lacking in a Y chromosome and Larry Summers is a big fat jerk who thinks girls can't do math), the easy money will continue and under Janet, the Fed will never have to even bother trying to pull out. This is a fool-proof plan!

Which is convenient because Janet is one of the biggest fools of all.

I don't know about you but I think I should run out and go get a house with zero down to celebrate! And another car loan!


This Ambulance-Chasing Assclown is Suing a Flower Shop After He Nearly Killed His Cat...

Story over at WC Varones. Not sure why I posted it there and not here, maybe because I get the sense the JDA faithful are sick of hearing about cats and it's been oh so long since I wrote over at WCV.


Richmond Fed President Jeffrey Lacker Clearly Still Winning in the Hair Department

Dallas Fed president Richard Fisher is still my favorite Fedhead but if we're judging on hair alone, I have to say the esteemed Jeffrey M. Lacker of Richmond Fed still comes in first.


How does he even get it to do that swoopy thing in the front?


And sometimes, he even loosens up and lets his hair down:

Of course, never one to shy away from distributing kindness, JDA made sure to point out just how amazing my #2 Fedhead's hair is looking these days. I mean the poor guy is pushing 60 and works for one of the most hated organizations in the country, gotta throw him a bone for at least not being as big of a dickhead as many of his colleagues.

I don't know what kind of magical stylist this guy has but clearly something is right with his hair. His employer may be questionable at best and the economy may still be in the can but at least we still have Jeff Lacker's hair.


How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Support Janet Yellen For Fed Chair!

As regular readers of Jr Deputy Accountant already know, I'm not a huge fan of Janet Yellen. OK, let's be honest, I can't stand the shriveled old troll. I can't help but think my cat who sometimes shits directly in front of instead of inside the litter box has more economic sense than she does (sorry to humiliate you, there, Cash Money).

Thing is, chances are I'm not going to be a fan of any Fed chair nominee, least of all that bloated pig Larry Summers. Talk about lesser of two evils...

JDA's opinion aside, that dried-up old dipshit Janet sure has a fan club, and though most of them are establishment hacks (big shock there), maybe they know something I don't know:

More than 400 U.S. economists have signed an open letter initiated by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research urging President Barack Obama to select Janet Yellen as the next chairman of the Federal Reserve.

As of Thursday the roster of letter signers included such prominent names as Nobel Prize winner Joseph E. Stiglitz of Columbia University, Christina Romer, a former chair of the Council of Economic Advisers in the Obama administration, and former Fed vice-chairmen Alan S. Blinder, now at Princeton University, and Alice Rivlin, now a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution.

A spokesman for the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, a Washington, D.C.-based advocacy group, said economists from 40 states, 172 colleges and universities and 17 companies, centers and institutions have signed the letter.

Well whooptie fucking do! It's not really hard to be more well-liked than that blowhard Summers, that's like me preferring the company of the cat who shits on the floor every now and then over the one who is a total bitch and scratches me for absolutely no reason.

The real reason Janet is the best person for the job has been captured in a note to clients from Bank of America Merrill Lynch economist Michael Hanson:

First, Yellen isn’t the perma-dove that some think. She has a centrist’s record through both easing and tightening cycles. When times called for tighter policies, Yellen supported them — she has never cast a dovish dissent. Indeed, former Fed governor Meyer has written that he and Yellen attempted — unsuccessfully — to convince then-Chairman Alan Greenspan to raise rates in the fall of 1996 due to inflationary concerns. She was also early at the Fed in citing risks from the over-heating housing market, which is hardly an “easy at all costs” position.

Yes, Yellen is very much on the dovish side right now, but that is because the economy arguably warrants it: both inflation and employment growth are too low relative to the Fed’s dual mandate. Her position also reflects less conviction of a rapid recovery than many of her Fed peers; a recent WSJ analysis showed Yellen has been the most accurate forecaster on the FOMC since the crisis began.

Read that very carefully. That crazy old bat Janet isn't as stupid as she looks. Just like my cat who shits on the floor, Janet knows exactly what she's doing. And if anyone is going to help the Fed continue to "play handmaiden to the US Treasury," it's definitely her.

Think about it: if there's no way out but devaluation (and, by all appearances, the exit is looking harder and harder for these idiots to find, as in my dumbass cat will figure out how not to shit on the floor before these assclowns find a way out), then don't you want the Fed's resident easy money maniac heading up the operation?

Too bad, looks like Obama might go forward with a Summers nomination. Go long popcorn.


On the eve of my 1000th StumbleUpon discovery...

Friday, September 13, 2013 , 0 Comments

Seven years ago - holy shit how has it been that long - a beloved colleague turned me on to StumbleUpon. As far as Internet fads go, I have to say this one stuck. Several Gmail accounts, a few abandoned WordPress blogs, countless Facebook posts and a handful of Twitter accounts later, I'm still Stumbling aimlessly in the Internet abyss all these years later.

My persona there is a relatively unknown entity named Chiqui with a Ben Bernanke photo and a bio of "I'm not going to say I told you so but I told you so...." because on Stumble, you can be whoever you want to be. You can scan through porn or business news or whatever it is you've checked as your desires and it's fine as long as you surround yourself with like-minded Stumblers who send you stuff you want to look at in your darkest Internet hours when you can't find anything to read.

Submitting my 999th discovery tonight, I realized I have to make my 1000th discovery something big. Something better than self-promotion or good porny Tumblr posts or music I listened to long before the band was cool and you caught on.

So... what should my 1000th discovery be? I'd like for it to be something great but knowing me, I'll probably just self-promote and Stumble my own shit because, hey, why not?

Regardless, thanks for the last 999 discoveries and seven years, SU, it's been great.


Some TSA Dipshit Arrested For Making Stupid Threats Related to 9/11

Oh dear. Terrorism is serious business even in this day and age when we're all under suspicion and have to be careful what we say, even in jest (not like we'd jest about terrrrrrrrism, it isn't funny). You'd think TSA employees especially would know the protocol but apparently some assclown TSA screener in LA has been arrested for making moronic threats against LAX. Come on, man, just come on. Not cool.

From the LA Times:
Members of a federal task force late Tuesday arrested a former TSA screener who they accused of making threats against Los Angeles International Airport, including "unspecified threats" related to the 12th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Nna Alpha Onuoha, 29, was taken into custody in Riverside before midnight by members of the Joint Terrorism Task Force with assistance from Riverside police officers, according to FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller.

Pending additional investigation, Onuoha will be held on suspicion of making threats, she said.

The arrest came after Onuoha allegedly made threats against LAX terminals earlier in the day following his resignation from his post as a screener with the Transporation Security Administration. Onuoha held the position since 2006 but had been suspended recently, Eimiller said.
Let's stop and think about this for a minute. This toolbag has been screening airline passengers at LAX for 7 years! And now he's in custody for making "unspecified threats" leading up to the anniversary of 9/11?

WOW, I feel safer already knowing a nut like this has been keeping LAX safe from unsavory passengers for so long, don't you?

Oh, it's cool though because he is an ex-TSA dipshit, not current. Whew.


The Social Network To Beat All Social Networks: PRSM!

Are you sick of having to cross-post your location, dinner, cats and other private information across multiple social networks? Would you like to see your tax money spent monitoring your online activity better utilized? Well boy have I got the social network for you!

PRSM features a massive Titan Supercomputer capable of handling one quadrillion requests per second and a datacenter that can store up to 5 zettabytes of information! That's like bazillions of dinners around the country seamlessly logged every second! Considering many Americans are broke and starving, the processing power of this beast far exceeds actual meals consumed by the citizens of the United States.

This bad ass network stores your entire life in one convenient place. What you buy, what you're reading, what you download, who you speak to, where you've been, the content of your emails... it's all sorted and tucked away for your own safety because you might be a terrorist and don't even know it!

Ready to sign up now? Don't bother, you already are! That's right, PRSM is so advanced you don't even have to opt-in (and can't opt-out because, well, only bad guys with something to hide would want to do such a thing).

Alright, so it's a joke. Kind of. It would be funnier if it were an actual joke and not the world we live in today.

But hey, you have nothing to be afraid of if you have nothing to hide, right? Yeah, right.


Went grocery shopping today...

Even though my basket was half full (or would that be half empty?), I left the store feeling like this:

And by "certain," I clearly mean everything in the store.

How's that recovery working out for everyone else?


Who is this shameful bro desecrating my favorite Fed bank?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Now, I will readily admit that because my living room window faces the Richmond Fed, I have often made obscene gestures in their general direction including but not limited to flipping the bird and pressing my bare ass cheeks against the window, and I've even considered putting "END THE FED" Christmas lights in my windows but that would be too obvious. But peeing on the Dallas Fed? Shameful!

Photo via Deep Thoughts, by Ben Bernanke.


Banks Reminded Uncle Sam Won't Always Be There With a Few Bucks

Jonathan Weil found a funny:

There's an amusing line in this notice yesterday by the Federal Reserve and the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. The regulators told banks they should "not rely on the provision of extraordinary support by the United States or any other government" when drafting their so-called living wills. Those are the documents that describe how they could be dismantled if necessary in a crisis. In other words, when writing up the plans that assume they will die, they're not allowed to assume that they won't. Go figure.

Well, I suppose having their heads cryogenically frozen indefinitely is still an option.