Five People Who Could Head Up the Fed Better Than Janet Yellen

My earlier expressed opinion on why Janet Yellen is the best woman for the job of Fed chair aside, I've been thinking about this in light of Larry Summers' brave decision to withdraw his name from a job no one was going to give him anyway and thought, since I'm not yellin' for Yellen, maybe I can be helpful and suggest some alternatives.

Here are five people I think could do a better job than Janet:

The "Get a Brain Morans" Guy

First of all, this guy is clearly a patriot, so he will have the country's best interests in mind as he makes complicated economic choices that can change the entire world forever. Second, it's doubtful that he has any sticky complicated conflicts of interest as it clear he's probably never even been in an actual bank, let alone done dealings with the high ups of one. So you can rest assured he will regulate banks like Goldman Sachs with an non-conflicty hand (unless you count his juvenile laughter every time someone in the room says "Sachs").

Ron Popeil

Ron Popeil is a fucking genius. PLUS, as Fed Chairman, he'll be able to slice the massive Fed balance sheet into 5 easy payments of $99,999,999,999.99. But wait, there's more! Swear him in in the next 10 minutes and he will throw in a free food dehydrator.

Jerry Springer

Though the Chairman of the Fed should be relatively scandal-free, you have to admit it takes a real bad ass to bounce a check on the services of a prostitute while you are mayor and still get re-elected. Plus, can you just imagine what FOMC meetings would look like with Springer running the show? I would pay money to see that.

Frederic Mishkin

Is this assclown even still invited to the Fed? I admit suggesting Mishkin as Fed chair only serves one purpose: my entertainment. He is shady, scandalous and really easy to make fun of, which would make my job for the next few years even easier than it's been with Helicopter Ben.

Oprah Winfrey

Do I even have to explain why I'd like to see Oprah as Fed Chair? SHE IS FREAKING OPRAH. Not only is she black AND a woman -- knocking out two diversity jackpots in one amazing human being -- she's filthy rich and probably wants to stay that way so she will probably do a great job of protecting her 1% share of our dollars. Besides, she likes giving away free stuff, so any time housing markets tank, she can just give out houses and all our problems are solved. WIN.

Someone please get the Obama administration on this immediately, thanks.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.