Dear Congressional Critters, Thanks But I Don't Need You to Tell My Boss to Pay Me What I Am Worth

Didya hear?

Senate Republicans on Wednesday blocked legislation meant to close the pay gap between men and women, framing an election-year fight between the parties over whose policies are friendlier to women.

The bill was an attempt by Democrats to press what they see as their electoral advantage among women in the coming midterm elections, but they fell short of the 60 votes they needed to prevent a filibuster and advance the legislation.
“For reasons known only to them, Senate Republicans don’t seem to be interested in closing wage gaps for working women,” Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the majority leader, said in a floor speech.

Shut your fucking pie hole, Reid. Did it ever occur to you that not every problem needs the government to fix it? I know, what a thought.

Let's look at what S.2199 entails, shall we?

Paycheck Fairness Act - Amends the portion of the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 (FLSA) known as the Equal Pay Act to revise remedies for, enforcement of, and exceptions to prohibitions against sex discrimination in the payment of wages.

Sounds good so far...

Revises the exception to the prohibition for a wage rate differential based on any other factor other than sex. Limits such factors to bona fide factors, such as education, training, or experience.

Wait a fucking second. What if I'm a woman who took 3 years off to have babies, so when I came back into the work force, I had less training and experience than my male counterparts who never left to go have kids. Does that count? Am I being punished for being a mother? Is my boss either a dick or an idiot for paying me as much as my colleague who did not take 3 years off, regardless of the reason?

States that the bona fide factor defense shall apply only if the employer demonstrates that such factor: (1) is not based upon or derived from a sex-based differential in compensation, (2) is job-related with respect to the position in question, and (3) is consistent with business necessity. Makes such defense inapplicable where the employee demonstrates that: (1) an alternative employment practice exists that would serve the same business purpose without producing such differential, and (2) the employer has refused to adopt such alternative practice.

So the burden is on the employer. Great. How does my employer prove that? "Well you see, government, Adrienne is a shitty worker but now that you're up our ass, we're going broke paying her just as much as our high performers because all of them are males and you might get pissy about that even though Adrienne accepts that she sucks at her job." Because, vagina! Seems legit.

Revises the prohibition against employer retaliation for employee complaints. Prohibits retaliation for inquiring about, discussing, or disclosing the wages of the employee or another employee in response to a complaint or charge, or in furtherance of a sex discrimination investigation, proceeding, hearing, or action, or an investigation conducted by the employer.
Retaliation is never cool but I don't want everyone else knowing what I make, and I don't want some overzealous employee making a case of it and then blaming their plumbing for it because government said so.

Makes employers who violate sex discrimination prohibitions liable in a civil action for either compensatory or (except for the federal government) punitive damages.
You fucking weasels. Of course "except for the federal government" because what's good for the goose is never good for the gander.

States that any action brought to enforce the prohibition against sex discrimination may be maintained as a class action in which individuals may be joined as party plaintiffs without their written consent.
HOLD THE FUCK UP. What if I am happy with my compensation and like my employer and accept that I might get paid a little less than my colleagues (both male and female) because I'm a shitty employee? I mean, I'm not, but let's just say I am. I automatically have to be a part of some fucking class action bullshit? No thank you.

Authorizes the Secretary of Labor (Secretary) to seek additional compensatory or punitive damages in a sex discrimination action.

Again, because of course. I swear sometimes you people are no better than the vampire squid with your blood-sucking...

Requires the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and the Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs to train EEOC employees and affected individuals and entities on matters involving wage discrimination. 
Shouldn't they already be trained? But sure, throw away a bunch more money on "training" them some more.

Authorizes the Secretary to make grants to eligible entities for negotiation skills training programs for girls and women. Directs the Secretary and the Secretary of Education to issue regulations or policy guidance to integrate such training into certain programs under their Departments. 
What about men who want these skills, can they apply for grants? I mean, we're talking fairness here, aren't we? Can't exclude the dudes, then.

Directs the Secretary to conduct studies and provide information to employers, labor organizations, and the general public regarding the means available to eliminate pay disparities between men and women. 
Oh for the love of... private organizations and educational institutions do this already. But hey, throw some more money at the problem, sounds like a plan.

Establishes the Secretary of Labor's National Award for Pay Equity in the Workplace for an employer who has made a substantial effort to eliminate pay disparities between men and women.
Yeah, because handing out awards worked out so well for my generation. Here's your gold sticker, now go fuck off. If the point is fairness, and if organizations are REQUIRED to do this, then why are you rewarding the ones who have? Isn't that the point? You know, DOING IT?

Amends the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to require the EEOC to collect from employers pay information data regarding the sex, race, and national origin of employees for use in the enforcement of federal laws prohibiting pay discrimination.
Again, you fucking weasels and your data. The government already knows how old I am, where my people come from, what plumbing I was born with and how much I make -- why does the EEOC need this? Oh, right, because it's the government.

Directs: (1) the Commissioner of Labor Statistics to continue to collect data on woman workers in the Current Employment Statistics survey, (2) the Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs to use specified types of methods in investigating compensation discrimination and in enforcing pay equity, and (3) the Secretary to make accurate information on compensation discrimination readily available to the public. 
So, more paper pushing? Oh, my lady parts feel more liberated and equal already!

Directs the Secretary and the Commissioner [sic] of the EEOC jointly to develop technical assistance material to assist small businesses to comply with the requirements of this Act.
 LOL. "We're from the government and we're here to help."

I'm glad Senate Republicans saw right through this bullshit. As my friend Allison Bricker said on Facebook:

Women are not cats stuck up in a tree needing government mandated equality. A wise woman and her skill set know no competition.


On that note, I will borrow the words of Ani Difranco, who might be really pissed I used these sacred words of hers to prove why Republicans might be onto something (assuming they aren't just cockblocking legislation as usual, natch):

I ain't no damsel in distress
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere


How Delta Airlines Almost Got Me Fired (and Blew Social Media Engagement in the Process)

Alright, that headline is a little incendiary (shock that JDA would do such a thing, I know) but hey, let's pretend like I'm not irreplaceable and therefore almost unfireable for the sake of the following story I'm about to tell.

As most of you know, I am Managing Editor of the #1 website among 18 - 34 year old accounting professionals in the US. What you don't know (unless you religiously stalk me on Twitter) is that I had to make a trip to Boston this week to meet up with my team and our UK handlers. Though most of us work remotely 99% of the time, meeting up as a team is really valuable, and I was scheduled to be in Boston Tuesday morning to do just that. Except Delta fucked it all up.

I'm a bit of a procrastinator (I'm still working on this, in true procrastinator fashion) so I did wait until the last minute to book my flight to Boston on Kayak but managed to do so in record time -- for me -- with my flight all set and paid for a full 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Rad. I picked Delta because it was non-stop and at the top of the cheap list, because I'm all about saving my company a few pennies if I can on a short flight.

At about 11pm the night before I was supposed to get up for my 6am flight, I got a notice from Delta. Why I was still awake I can't say, because I really should have gone to bed at 9pm to get a bag packed and take a shower and get to the Richmond airport all before dawn which is a bitch in and of itself but that was the plan. Delta called me (which I didn't see because who the fuck answers a random toll-free number that late) and then at 10:57pm, they sent me an email to say my flight to Boston was cancelled. It's cool, they were urgently trying to rebook me.

Rebook me they did. They gave me some half ass flight to NYC that would have meant me sitting around with my thumb in my ass at Kennedy and then I could get to Boston far later than I'd planned on the initial flight I booked. I immediately called Delta and explained that wasn't an option, hence the flight I booked in the first place that was my earliest chance to get out of Richmond. Of course, since they cancelled me long after the last flight left Richmond the night before, I couldn't even run to the airport and make my escape that night instead (Richmond is tiny as fuck and shuts down pretty early, if you don't know, all the more reason I want to move back to DC fulltime).

The foreign guy I spoke to on Delta customer service that night finally offered me a US Airways flight that would get me into Boston just half an hour after schedule after much eye-rolling and bitching on my part. It worked out great even though I still got into Boston late; we arrived 20 minutes ahead of schedule in Boston on the US Airways flight so I did save some skin (thanks US Airways!).

That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was this email I got after I bitched Delta out on Twitter the night they cancelled my flight after I had returned from my trip and had just about forgotten how Delta fucked me:

Subject was "Delta travel on March 25, 2014. Please tell us how we did." so how the fuck would I, as a business traveler totally still butthurt over my cancelled flight that barely got salvaged after I talked the customer service guy into a US Airways flight to get me into Boston on time read that and not think "how dare you people ask me to give you feedback on how you fucked my plan to get to my Boston office at the asscrack of dawn"? That isn't even a rhetorical question.

Delta finally decided to engage me on Twitter when I mentioned how ridiculous it was of them to ask me to fill out a fucking survey, and they wanted me to DM them details but I decided to do this instead. So here you go, "CS" now you are all caught up. No DM required.

For the record, my Delta flight back to Richmond from Boston was delayed but that was fair because it was windy as fuck in Boston that day and all in all the wait wasn't so bad since we all got home safely so that's something. I still don't know why Delta cancelled my flight in, I thought it was snow but we ended up being the only flight cancelled when I got to the Richmond airport that morning. I also ran into the husband of a fellow Richmond cat rescuer at Logan waiting around for our flight back to Richmond so that was cool too but damn, I won't fly Delta again from Richmond to Logan if I have a chance (and I will, because I plan to spend a lot more time up there with our Boston-area people).

Enjoy, "CS" at @DeltaAssist, this is my story. Should you need more, feel free to reach out.

My flight back to Richmond was lovely, thanks for asking. Seriously, never ask me to fill out a survey, you don't want my opinion.


Let Us Discuss Glasshole Hate Crime Victim Sarah Slocum, Because She Wants Us To

Hi, guys. Sorry I've been MIA, if you didn't get the news, I was promoted to Managing Editor of Going Concern late last year and that's a pretty time-intensive gig keeping accountants full up on news. Trust, I haven't forgotten the JDA faithful.

I have been following the story of douchetacular Sarah Slocum "tech writer" since the moment she was "assaulted" in a San Francisco bar wearing her Google Glass and have to say, she was asking for it. As a former San Franciscan, I have to ask who the fuck walks into Molotovs drunk off her ass with a computer on her face expecting nothing less than what she got? I mean really. Sorry not sorry, Sarah, but whatever you studied at UC Berkeley couldn't have possibly prepared you for the backlash you deserved rolling up on Fillmore St acting like that.

First, look at her logo. Who the fuck buys "social media services" from someone with a logo like this? Tech writer my ass, she's a failed women's studies clown sleeping in her parents' basement trying to start shit again SORRY NOT SORRY just calling it like it is. This logo is a joke. I got an intern gig at the local sign shop in Milwaukee in high school and did better logos than this. I mean really. REALLY.

OMG LOL. For real though?

And then you find out, from LA Times, that she has a history of stalking people who didn't expect they'd be recorded and you can't help but ask yourself REALLY? Really, Sarah? But yeah, you're a "tech writer" LOL even though Sarah lists herself as a "Contributing Editor" for Newsdab, which lets any clown with an Internet connection write for.

From the Newsdab "About Us":

Newsdab is the first news customization website, where anyone can be a reporter or publisher, allowing users to edit, share, read, watch and organize stories from across the web, in a social environment. The concept is to give people the ability to make headlines either by sharing links to existing content from the web or by editing their own stories. We believe anyone can be a reporter / editor / writer / publisher. The tool revolutionizes how news is produced, delivered and consumed. People hit Upload when they want to share their videos on youtube and they hit Post when they want to share news on newsdab. If anyone can be a video maker, certainly, anyone can be a reporter / writer / publisher or simply content contributor.

OMG! So any piece of shit can run a story and be a "newsmaker" OMFG where do I sign up?

Sarah Slocum, who the fuck do you think you are fooling? You aren't even a Glasshole, you're just an Asshole, and that isn't a tech problem. Good luck in your future efforts, you waste of space and Glass bandwidth.

Just admit you're a creep and we can all move on, loser. You aren't even a Glass Explorer, someone gifted you the Glass you harassed people with (and I hope they regret it now because you are truly a douche).

Hey Sarah, you can block me on Twitter because I called you out for being a piece of shit but you can't deny that you are, at the end of the day, a real piece of shit. Just own it. The sooner the better, loser.


The Creepiest, Most Stalkery Government Agency You Never Heard Of

The NGA was cool before you ever heard of them.

For those who may not know us well, NGA is both a Combat Support Agency AND a national intelligence agency. We have statutory responsibilities to support policymakers, warfighters, first responders, homeland security, and the greater Intelligence Community (IC).
The very nature of what we do – geospatial intelligence – GEOINT – makes us a critical partner for everyone we serve.
GEOINT not only tells you what is happening anywhere on earth, but we strive to reveal why it matters and what is likely to happen next.
NGA has a unique—perhaps the broadest—mission set of any intelligence agency.
We provide timely warning and strategic intelligence about global crises to national and military decision makers -- sometimes we have the first -- and only --insight into denied areas.
By law, we are the lead agency that ensures safety of navigation in the air and on the seas with the most current maps and charts.
We defend against cyber threats with in-depth analysis of the logical and physical networks. We bring together the “bits and the bytes” with the “bricks and the mortar” to provide the physical locations and manifestations of where the networks and cyber units are operating around the globe.
We lead Human Geography efforts across the IC – we enhance the Community’s understanding through deeper geospatial-temporal analysis of human activity to better understand patterns of life within their environmental context.
Finally, we assist first responders with global humanitarian and disaster relief efforts.

What in the actual fuck? So here everyone has been worried about the NSA reading our stupid sexts and these guys are all up in our collective virtual nuts (the "bits and the bytes")?

But wait, they need our help to let them just sweep in as much data as possible (yes, they wrote that):

And in this era of declining budgets, the IC simply cannot scale to compete with the digital production of the entire world. We cannot manually examine all the data we can collect.
We must gain “Big Value” from “Big Data” by actively pursuing the Director of National Intelligence’s top priority of intelligence integration at every level.
We must integrate our Community networks and systems, leverage each other’s sensors and phenomenologies, and further collaborate on community-wide analysis. This must be done with enhanced technology.
You – our S-P-I-E partners – are key contributors to making this integration a reality. You can:
    • Support the integration of intelligence sensors on future delivery platforms.
    • Support the IC Information Technology Enterprise – IC ITE – and the fusion of all intelligence sources through its cloud infrastructure.
    • Help develop the automated tools we need – preferably located as close as possible to, or on, the sensors themselves.
These tools must automatically capture, curate, store, search, analyze, and visualize as much raw data as they can.
They must also largely assume the analyst’s traditional functions of monitoring “known” targets.
"SPIE partners"? Bwahahaha. Classic.