Actually, an Apple Watch Will Cost a Lot More Than $1000

Today, VentureBeat had a piece of exceptional clickbait journalism called The real price of the Apple Watch is at least $1,000, which highlighted the "real" cost of that bargain basement $349 Apple Watch:
At $349, the entry-level Apple Watch sounds almost affordable.

Except that’s just a fraction of what you’ll actually need to spend. The Apple Watch is useless without a recent-model iPhone.

The cheapest you can get an iPhone 6 right now is $649 without a contract. That brings the total to $998, or almost $1,000.

Don’t forget you’ll need a carrier contract for that phone. While you might be able to make do with a $40 prepaid plan from the likes of T-Mobile, it’s more likely you’ll be spending $70 to $100 per month. Let’s be generous and assume you’re not willing to sign a two-year contract, so you’re only planning on a year of prepaid service at $40 a month: That brings your first-year total to $1,478.
Holy shit. Do you mean to tell me that -- gasp -- things that cost money need other things that cost money to work? I'm horrified by this information.

Really, VB should have stopped there as they already went too far but, alas, they didn't:
You’ll probably need a computer, too. It’s not mandatory, but it will make a lot of things easier, like backing up and syncing your phone’s data, photos, music, and so on. This is one area where you’re not locked in to Apple’s ecosystem — but if you want to connect to your iPhone, you won’t be able to do it with a cheap Chromebook. You’ll need a cheap Windows computer ($400 and up) or a MacBook or MacBook Air ($899 and up).
Even once-starving kids in Africa have laptops these days, who the fuck doesn't have a computer and since when does the cost of one factor into the price of anything that may require one?

This math really makes no sense. For a few reasons: first, if you want an Apple Watch, you probably already have a compatible iPhone. Second, if you have an iPhone, you probably already have a service plan that you have pretty much priced into your life between online banking and emailing and Instagramming photos of your dinner. So to say an Apple Watch would cost you $1,478 in the first year is, well, idiotic.

Why stop where VB did? The average cost of food per month per person in the United States is $302. So it will cost $3624 to keep yourself alive through the magic of food for the year you'll play with your Apple Watch. Let's not forget you need electricity to charge it, so throw your electric bill in there (mine is about $150 a month, averaged out so as not to factor in peak summer and winter cooling and heating bills). That's $1800, so we're up to:

$349 Apple Watch
$649 iPhone 6
$40 service plan x 12 months = $480
$3624 food to keep yourself alive
$1800 electricity to charge iPhone and Apple Watch

OMG! The Apple Watch will cost almost $7000 and we haven't even factored in the gas to drive to the Apple Store, which of course means we have to price in car payments as well because, hey, why not right? Throwing in that rough calculation, an Apple Watch would cost me about $11,134! Who the hell has that kind of money??

If that's just a little too rich for your blood, do what I did. Buy a 6th generation iPod nano and a watch strap. BAM. Instant smart watch. Fancy!
A photo posted by Adrienne Gonzalez (@adriennenvy) on

Remember when you stopped wearing a watch? Just don't forget there's a reason why, and no amount of technology can change that.

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Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.