Rick Santorum Ruins Small Iowa Town's Lunch With His Gay Marriage Obsession

It's understandable that Snowball's Chance in Hell candidate Rick Santorum may prefer interacting with people in real life versus, say, over the Internet where he will forever be tied to awkward bodily fluids rather than Christian conservatism.

Lucky for Rick, his 15 minutes of Internet shame for that particular Urban Dictionary entry is just frothy mixture under the bridge at this point. He's back out on the campaign trail hoping maybe, just maybe, the GOP is extreme enough to let this guy burn the party to the ground once and for all. After all, 4 million of them thought giving him the presidential nomination was an awesome idea last time around.

Fortunately enough for voting Republicans, it's not looking too promising for Rick this time around:

When just one Iowan showed up to Rick Santorum's 2 p.m. campaign stop at a restaurant here Monday, the winner of the 2012 Iowa caucuses made a quick decision: Might as well order lunch.

"I haven't eaten, actually, all day," he said to his guest, Peggy Toft, an insurance agent and chair of the county's Republican Party.

Now, to be fair, I've been to Iowa. Unless you're partying in Des Moines, you're really not going to find more than 5 or at most 6 people in any given place at any given time.

Not one to be so easily defeated, Rick assures us this is all part of the plan, you guys.

"It's not glamorous, and you're not out there raising money, but you're doing what the money is ultimately supposed to do — getting votes," said Santorum, who earlier in the day drew 10 people to a noon meeting in nearby Panora. "This is a lot more fun than being on the phone raising money."

Since I know you're curious, he ate at Darrell's Place, which boasts "The Best Tenderloin in Iowa." That would sound really homoerotic if we weren't talking about rural Iowa and a gay-fearing man like Rick Santorum. Mmm, tenderloin.

As much as I am not looking forward to this upcoming election at all, it's reassuring to know even small rural towns in Iowa aren't rallying together to hear shit they already believe about how dudes who fuck other dudes up the ass will definitely burn in hell. That didn't stop Rick from discussing gay marriage at the table anyway because, you know, that's all part of the plan.

Mmm, tenderloin.

Jr Deputy Accountant

Some say he’s half man half fish, others say he’s more of a seventy/thirty split. Either way he’s a fishy bastard.


W.c. Varones said...

Don't order the Santorum aioli!

Joe Avrage said...

Tampa at the 2012 Republican National Convention I was on the delegate floor when Santorum went walking around. Whenever the pols do that there is a crowd of delegates. I was trying to move away from the crowd and noticed Santorum was a good 8" taller than everyone else. I noticed he was wearing platform shoes. The augmented height was really strange. What a poser!