Porno Site Offering to Plow Boston Streets For Free is a Libertarian's Wet Dream
The innuendo is strong with this one, you guys.
So, a website I am completely and totally unfamiliar with called Pornhub which I guess is like YouTube for legal sex acts announced ahead of a Northeastern snowstorm you probably didn't hear about that it would be sending out a brigade of branded trucks to plow streets for free. Get it? Plow?
“The Pornhub team understands that by this time of year, most cities have run up their budget in snow removal,” Pornhub Vice President Corey Price tells Boston, “and we thought we’d lend a hand in getting our fans plowed.”
No really, do you guys get it? In case you didn't for some absolutely bizarre reason, such as being a completely asexual mannequin, well Pornhub has your back.
I can't with this, you guys.Hey Boston! Are you snowed in on #snowday? Fear not! #pornhubplows to the rescue! Hit us up at email@example.com to plow your brains out! pic.twitter.com/bYmHD6QVwP— Pornhub ARIA (@Pornhub) March 14, 2017
Seriously, how do I go about applying to work in the Pornhub social media department.Pornhub plows all the way from Boston, to NY and NJ!! Call us to blow your load! #pornhubplows pic.twitter.com/k8vbvagiMM— Pornhub ARIA (@Pornhub) March 14, 2017
Besides the fact that this is an absolutely brilliant marketing tactic, it should be recognized that a private company took it upon itself to send out two dozen plows to assist in what will no doubt be a massive cleanup when all's said and done. And according to anyone who isn't libertarian, also impossible as that kind of thing never ever happens.
We're told -- indoctrinated, even -- that without the government, there is absolutely no safety net. Who will feed the hungry? (Spoiler: food stamps aren't the only game in town) Who will clothe the naked (I will happily give you the shirt off my back right now)? And who will plow the streets? HELP US, GUBMINT. Private charity already exists, so we know it's possible for someone other than the government to handle this area.
Forgive me for allowing my inner cat lady to make an appearance for a moment, but one could argue that private, non-profit rescue organizations are doing a far better job saving lives, providing resources for pet owners in need, and preventing overpopulation through targeted spay/neuter initiatives than municipal shelters paid for with tax dollars. Not to say there aren't great shelters out there doing good work, nor that all rescue groups are doing the best work, it's just that private individuals are coming together to manage what many municipal shelters can't handle.
So yeah, spare me with the muh roads crap, anyone who asks how roads will be maintained without tax dollars obviously hasn't driven a car in the last half a century. Our roads aren't doing so hot, you guys. And still, we're all paying for them.
As for you, Pornhub, rawwwwrr. All this talk about plowing for free has this libertarian gal worked up. Not to mention other charitable Pornhub initiatives such as the partnership with PETA to raise awareness about the importance of spaying and neutering animals to decrease overpopulation, scholarships for women in tech, and the Save the Boobs campaign for breast cancer awareness.
Obviously there's a small flaw in this model: we can't go around expecting xHamster to buy textbooks for schoolchildren and YouPorn to provide Medicare. Still, something. I look forward to the RedTube Scholarship for the Arts any day now.